Why would God want me to forgive my dad?
Posted by adminApr 3
I did the whole “forgiveness” thing and it brought down more trauma and distortion in my life. He’s in prison, and found out that all the private things I’d write to him, he’d share them to the people that write him. He abused me as a child, and I had to go through traumatic domestic violence experiences growing up. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. All he cared about was himself, and now that he’s in prison for a long time he comes clinging to me? He literally was upset when I was only a child that he wasted money on buying me a doll. Yet with his friends he didn’t care on sparing loads of cash on cocaine and booze? So why should I be “compassionate” by letting him and my loser relatives walk on me? I hate him. That’s makes me feel better than to say that I love him.
39 comments
Comment by Green Alien on 04/03/2010 at 3:11 am
I would never forgive my dad for the things he did to me and my siblings. Does a murderer deserve forgiveness? NO! According to the bible, did your god forgive people or did he have a flood and kill millions?
Comment by Ville on 04/03/2010 at 4:03 am
Who said you have to let them walk on you? That has nothing to do with it. If a mother of a murdered child can forgive the murderer, then you can forgive your father. You can just forgive him, but you don’t have to talk to him again.
Comment by Witch on 04/03/2010 at 4:28 am
“Forgive everyone for everything” is a ploy by the priesthood to keep control of the emotional state of the Sheeple.
Only works if you claim God said so though.
Comment by igotgame489 on 04/03/2010 at 5:22 am
its easy to hate. But think of all the ways God forgave you. In Gods eyes, you’re doing to Him what your dad did to you…except worse. But He forgives and loves us anyway. Pray that you could see your dad the way God does and have a heart to forgive Him. The Lord will give you strength.
Comment by Mark on 04/03/2010 at 5:55 am
Now you know what he is. Protect yourself. Forgive him for yourself. That is what forgiveness is truly for, not for him for you. This way you don’t have to carry hate with you. Forgive him wish him luck and cut him loose.
I would caution you on condemning him so harshly. Life has a way of teaches us what we condem. I say this for your benefit, not his.
Comment by ♥Fluffy♥ ♥Grandma♥ on 04/03/2010 at 6:29 am
I understand totally. And that will be up to you, and what you’re heart tells you to do.
Comment by Ainsly @ work on 04/03/2010 at 6:36 am
God doesn’t want anything from you because only that which is lacking can want.
It is possible to forgive and walk away. You don’t have to let your father into your life. However, forgiveness will help you move forward from your feelings of contempt.
Comment by ? on 04/03/2010 at 6:37 am
God will forgive you of your wrongs when you are genuine and ask, and in turn you need to forgive others
Comment by Elle on 04/03/2010 at 7:18 am
It’s one thing to forgive, it’s quite another to allow someone to continue to abuse you. Forgiveness is, in essence, cancelling the debt you feel he owes you for wrong committed to you. Once you’ve done that, you’re under no obligation to continue to allow him to abuse or hurt you. If you want a relationship with him, that’s fine, just set boundaries and don’t him cross them.
Comment by Anna on 04/03/2010 at 7:57 am
The Christian God does not forgive anything. According to the Myths in the Bible one person ate the wrong fruit once and all people are guilty of that crime forever. They only way to be “forgiven” is for a blood sacrifice to be made?
I am an Atheist, but if you modeled your behavior after the Christian God i would have to ask did he sacrifice a goat to you, or offer blood of a lamb? Did he burn it so you would find the odor pleasing? No then why forgive him? Unless you want to send him your son so he can kill him and ,make a sacrifice to you for your forgiveness. Otherwise don’t Forgive him, be just like your God.
Comment by firefly on 04/03/2010 at 8:09 am
forgiveness is for you not him,
don’t you think you would be much happier if you let it go and lived your life the way God would want?
God wants us to forgive because He forgives us,
we are not better than God that we can’t forgive.
it would be hard no doubt to forgive such horrible things but God helps us to and in the long run you will be glad you did.
now,that being said,just because you forgive someone it doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life(especially if they haven’t changed).
you just put that part of your life behind you and move on.
God bless and I’m sorry that that happened to you.
Comment by Dogma (puppy due July 25th) on 04/03/2010 at 8:25 am
This is coming from someone with a very similar mother as your father: Forgiveness helps YOU not HIM. It is extremely healing, and vital if you wish to move on to another part of your life.
Case in point, I have forgiven, my two brothers haven’t. Both are drug addicts and following the same path she laid out.
Comment by God is Good! on 04/03/2010 at 8:53 am
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
Comment by evil Kirk Cameron on 04/03/2010 at 9:35 am
you should forgive him and then forget about him and leave him out of your life
Comment by Photographer on 04/03/2010 at 10:18 am
Cut him loose. I have had a similar experience, and I can tell you that it freed me and made me stronger. You are better off without people like that in your life. He is nothing but an albatross around your neck and will just cause you more grief in the future if you allow him to.
Comment by RustoleusMaximus on 04/03/2010 at 11:11 am
By forgiving your Dad, you are releasing all the hostility you have toward him (not to say he doesn’t deserve it). You can forgive him and release these feelings and still NOT be obligated to have any contact with him etc. You can still maintain healthy boundaries and refuse any contact. I suppose it is mainly releasing your feelings so that the memory for how he treated you doesn’t bog your future down or effect you internally. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you necessarily like him or want to have an active relationship as it may take hard and fast boundaries to protect your feelings etc. This type of forgiveness is a process that takes time. Hope this makes some sense.
Comment by v72 on 04/03/2010 at 11:34 am
im so sorry….that is horrible…you dont have to if he isnt sorry…
Comment by Dave Rogers on 04/03/2010 at 11:45 am
Because the religious will make you think you have a defect by not forgiving him and then try to make you feel guilty for not forgiving him. Screw them. He sounds like a monster that doesn’t deserve your compassion. Live the rest of your life knowing he got what he deserved.
Comment by ricardo9505 on 04/03/2010 at 11:48 am
Honestly, having been there, forgive and let go. Hatred is a horrible thing and will only burden you FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Forgive and if you choose to ignore him then so be it. Maybe one day you’ll want to contact him again. Maybe not. But letting all that go will do you much more good in the long run. The intellectual person will tell you to hate him to do what feels better right now. The wise one will tell you to look in your heart and let go to be at peace with yourself.
He may change. Maybe not. But look at the Apostle Paul who killed many Christians and became one of history’s greatest people. He wrote most of the New Testament which is embedded in our culture. Or Roosevelt who was a drunk but became one of our greatest leaders and NY’s greatest mayor. Give it time but let go and you’ll be much happier by tomorrow. Hatred takes energy and breeds evil in the soul, compassion is divine and nurturing. For those that continue to walk on you stay away from them as those are not friends but enemies.
Comment by Weston on 04/03/2010 at 12:27 pm
According to Yahweh, we are supposed to “honor” our mothers and fathers. There is no similar provision that requires parents to treat their children with dignity. Additionally, there is no exception that says if one’s father/mother is a disreputable louse, honor can be withheld.
It raises an interesting scenario: imagine a child of staunchly atheist parents. Let’s say that this child has determined that he wants to become a Christian. His parents tell him that it would dishonor them for him to make such a choice. Can he adopt the new religion without violating one of the Commandments?
Maybe God should have done a little more critical thinking when he authored the Commandment about honoring one’s parents.
Comment by The_Cricket: Thinking Pink! on 04/03/2010 at 1:25 pm
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through. It sounds pretty horrible.
Now, as for your question. You’re misunderstanding what forgiveness is and what it means. Let me first say that forgiveness does *NOT* mean that you allow that person to walk all over you repeatedly. It does NOT mean that you wipe the slate completely clean, and forget what they’ve done to you. What it means is that you don’t allow your anger towards them to control you anymore. You realize that what they did is wrong, they shouldn’t have done it, but you quit being angry over it.
Allow me to give a practical example from my own life. A few years ago, I was assaulted by someone. After the incident, I was very angry, had PTSD, developed anxiety disorder, and finally had to seek therapy. Even after two years of therapy, I was still very angry at this person for what they did to me, even though my PTSD was mostly cured. Finally I realized a few years ago that what was stopping me from completely being cured was that I was holding onto my anger. I had every reason to hate this person for what he did. I still have every right. But it wasn’t helping me. So finally, I told myself that I had to forgive him. And I did. Does that mean that I’m going to be inviting him over for dinner, talking to him on the phone, going out for coffee with him? Heck no. He’ll have no part of my life, ever. But I’m not angry at him anymore. He has no control over me, and I don’t hate him. I hate what he did. There’s the difference.
So, my point is, you can hate what your dad has done to you. But your anger and hatred for him is allowing him control over you that he should not have. Let go of it. It’s not going to help you. Take it from someone who knows.
Comment by TheodoreG on 04/03/2010 at 2:02 pm
Forgiveness is less about the other person and more about you. If you don’t forgive him and move on, you are his “mental” slave. Forgiveness also proves how strong you are (in Christ or not).
Understand that not everyone has a good life. I am sure that you are still thankful for your current life, because it could be worse. Check African starvation and AIDS.
God sent the flood because the people didn’t want to accept his mercy (forgiveness). He waited 7 days before shutting the door of the Ark.
Comment by badass eyepatch time on 04/03/2010 at 2:31 pm
Interesting question.
You shouldnt let him walk all over you exactly, forgivness doesnt always mean being physically and financially involved. Forgiveness is really your own personal battle with wellness in yourself and finally letting go of the wrong that was done to you, and by the sound of it your not quite ready to really let go of what has happened in the past.
It sounds like you still ‘love’ your father because of your willingness to be involved in his life, but resent him for how he treated you and his negative impact on your life. You shouldnt feel obligated to
be in his life in any way that isnt on your terms. He has his own journey to take and your on your own path in life.
As for God, i think thats more a question to for your paster, priest, oracle, spiritual advisor. The subject of forgiveness is a little shaky. While God will always forgive, people have a harder time with forgiveness, its a process. It seems like you want to forgive your father, but in doing that you should keep your distance and let your father heal before you confront him.
Hope this answers your question. Feel free to message me if you want
Comment by Joe P on 04/03/2010 at 2:33 pm
I am sorry to hear what you went through.
However, if you can’t forgive your Dad, why should you expect God to forgive you?
Comment by Still Thinking on 04/03/2010 at 2:49 pm
Forgiveness is not about him it is about you. Not forgiving keeps toxins in you that make you sick over time so letting it go makes you healthier. Don’t give energy to it as it robs you even more than the cause by eating you up. Forgive and let God judge him while you move on with your life and if you need to lose contact and distance yourself then do that. Letting the issue make you bitter and tormented over the years is a way to be hurt even more. You don’t have to say you love him just say I forgive you and pity you because you are a blind fool and walk away as if it is a grave you just threw flowers into. Your heart will start to heal and what he does is not really your concern.
Comment by 4NICK8 on 04/03/2010 at 2:55 pm
I think one of the biggest things I disagree with Christians about is that its okay NOT to forgive the unforgivable- in fact, I find it more than appropriate to retaliate in many cases. The more you forgive, the more people will use you as a doormat.
Comment by saved_by_grace on 04/03/2010 at 3:02 pm
If you believe in God and know Jesus as your personal savior, then he will give you peace with it. My dad was also abusive. He was an alcoholic and drug addict when i was a child. He physically abused us and sexually abused a couple of my sisters. My siblings and I were all taken from him and my mother when we were young. The oldest was 14 and youngest was 7. I was 10. My dad is not in prison, but i hated him. My mom stayed with him and I couldn’t understand as a child why she would choose him over her own children. In August of 1984, my dad found Christ. His life changed. It wasn’t because of his will, but that of the Holy Spirit that changed him. I found Jesus in 1994, and learned to forgive my dad. Today my dad and I are very close. My dad is now a preacher. You see, God had a plan for my dad and mom. In 1995, they became host home parents to juvenile delinquents in the state of Arkansas. They live in the only county in that state that puts kids in host homes before juvenile hall. In June 1987, the Lord blessed my parents with another child.
We cannot harbor hate, hate is a sin and it will always well up inside of you and destroy your life. Seek God, He loves you.
Matthew 11:28
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Comment by Mara on 04/03/2010 at 3:41 pm
A person cannot automatically forgive. It takes work. You have been through a hard time in your life in one of the most critical times, as a a child.
You first need to work on yourself, the healing process to heal you. Have you ever heard the saying” hating someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die?”
Yes Jesus said to forgive your enemies but it was an ‘ act like a blind person and not see that person for what they are or can do to your well being’ sort of faith.
Jehovah God teaches us for our ownb well being to let things go and move on. Jehovah will judge everyone for what they have done to hurt others if they do not change their ways.
The thing you can do is ask Jehovah God for assistance in forgiving, to make over your heart and mind. We cannot do these things on our own power.
Trust me I understand your feelings. I had a very awful childhood as well and as an adult I was angry. I was always carrying around a chip on my shoulder. Even though I later understood why I was angry I wan unable to do anything about it , to make some positive changes.
Not until I started studying the bible and really understanding what this life is about.
I enocurage you to read this article on drawing close to God thru prayer, its a first step…
http://www.watchtower.org/e/bh/article_17.htm
and until then do not beat yourself up so much ..you have to first learn to forgive yourself too….
Comment by under the weather on 04/03/2010 at 4:38 pm
Forgiving someone is supposed to be for your benefit not for theirs. Forgiveness means that you have let it go, that you are not going to be consumed by bitterness, that you have moved on with your life. It doesn’t mean that you are going to let anyone walk on you or that you even need to keep in contact with the person.
Comment by Brandon on 04/03/2010 at 5:23 pm
Its a tough thing your going through and I won’t pretend to understand what you went or are going through. But god is not blind and sees the pain your going through, love your dad for without him you would not be here. God loves everyone and your compassion for your dad will be your saving light.
Comment by Eclectic Heretic on 04/03/2010 at 6:10 pm
You’ve gotten a lot of answers telling you that forgiveness is for YOU, not him. They are correct. You do not have to have contact or let anyone “walk all over you”. Ever. But to make it simple, I will tell you what my counselor has told us in group: “hate is like you taking poison and then waiting for the other person to die”. Forgiveness is what sets YOU free!
Blessings in your Journey!
Comment by uhoow on 04/03/2010 at 6:28 pm
Forgiveness is never really about the other person. An unforgiving heart is filled with bitterness and resentment. Left alone long enough, these poisonous emotions will affect your attitude and all your other relationships. This is not rocket science. Forgive so your heart may be filled with virtues. You can only give others what you you yourself have, and the obviously opposite, you can’t give others what you yourself don’t have. Therefore, fill yourself with the good of Gods Spirit, which is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self Control. Then you will be able to offer these wonderful virtues to others.
You don’t have to like your father, or the things he did to you. But because he is a person, he does have value in the kingdom of God. That doesn’t change whether he accepts or rejects to live a godly life. But your decision will affect how you view yourself and others. Often times, how one views their earthly father has a connection to how one views our heavenly Father. This is obviously something that needs to change. God wants you! He loves you! And He desires the best for you. Don’t let satan win!
Forgive for the sake of your own heart! You are loved.
Comment by papa G on 04/03/2010 at 6:47 pm
I’m sorry to hear what you went through and your not alone. I study the Bible with someone who was on the receiving end of child abuse and suffers emotional turmoil. He’s made much progress and his health as improved but the pass still lingers. He learned to look to the future and he also got much comfort from the scriptures. No one can change the pass but you could do something for the future. The promise I showed him in the Bible help.
(Revelation 21:4) And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”
His father passed away 2 years ago and sadness and sorrow now replaces anger. He wasn’t able to forgive his father before his father died and that pains him more than anything now. He really wanted to forgive him especially after reading in the Bible that God can’t forgive you if you can’t forgive others.
I hope this experience helped and I know prayer helps also. We have such a wonderful hope for the future, so let us not lose out because we forgot to forgive.
Comment by sparki777 on 04/03/2010 at 7:46 pm
I’m sorry you suffered so much. It’s understandable that you would have a lot of animosity toward your father, and also that you would limit any contact with him. Likewise, if other relatives are emotionally abusive, you should limit contact with them.
But there is freedom in forgiveness. As long as you hate him, you are allowing him to control your life. When you get to a point of true forgiveness — which does NOT require being in contact with him or letting anybody walk all over you — you will finally be free from the wounds this man caused you.
Comment by jesusfreakstreet on 04/03/2010 at 8:19 pm
The parable of the Great and Merciful King. There was a man who owed a debt to a Great King, and so he went to the King and begged Mercy for His debt. The King had Mercy on Him and freed him from debt and sent him on his way. The man then went and persecuted another for a debt owed to Him, and so the King Heard of this and threw the man in prison, saying, “I forgave you your debt you should have had Mercy also on others.” So by the man’s own unforgiveness he was so punished.
But we must see this from the perspective of you. As for your father it is clear, that the Scripture says if anyone of you shall despise one of these little ones that believes in Jesus Christ, they should have a millstone (a great burden) tied about their neck and were cast into the sea. It is clear suffers of child abuse carry with them a great burden.
But your forgiveness is for your own sake.
This brings me to the story of Saint Maria Goretti, a young girl who was poor, when a man tried to seduce her, but she being a devout Catholic wanted to remain pure and true to God, so said, No, God does not want it! . .. The man stabbed her several times, but before she died she forgave him, and prayed for him, and he was converted. Saint Maria Goretti is in Heaven and recognized around the world as a Great Saint. What is significant in this story is that though she was so brutally abused, she forgave him, that is the difference between a Saint and the common person . .. To err is human, to forgive divine.
Amen.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
Comment by Ilya on 04/03/2010 at 9:19 pm
I honestly have no idea why God would want you to forgive such a person, and I haven’t really read any of the other answers, but I want you to remember that forgiveness is not always continuing to be in someone’s life; sometimes forgiveness is your permission to move on with your own life. I don’t think God cares either way.
I counsel people every day with addictions issues. While I began in general psychology, I had a horrible introduction to addictions counseling, and this resulted in a crash education in the field. My later wife was an alcoholic and drug addict, but i didn’t know it, because she was on what’s called a dry drunk — abstaining from alcohol and drugs without attending counseling or meetings. She made it seven years before she suddenly never came home, called only when she needed money or bail, and I stayed up many nights, with all the lights on so she wouldn’t fall and bust her head, only to fall asleep and wake disappointed. Her personality had changed. An ideal marriage became a nightmare of accusations, paranoia, nothing sacred, nothing safe, all the while everyone talking about what a sweet girl she is. She was sweet. She was bright and kind (with some minor issues), but it ended up to where she had collected DUIs and possession charges, she had had affairs she just wouldn’t admit to until much later, and she, out of confusion, hurt and guilt, attempted suicide. She was in a coma for a week, and when she woke, she was normal for about a week, but then she developed symptoms of Parkinson’s, dementia and schizophrenia, and she had to go live in a nursing home. in the nursing home, she had more affairs as her symptoms cleared up, but not completely. She died in the nursing home.
The fact is, I ignored all the advice, saying for me to reclaim my life and make it my own. I sat in a limbo. I wanted to defend the notion of loyalty and taking an oath to love and honor in sickness or in health. I lost my house, my car, my job — all taking care of her situations. An addict, though — and this was awful to discover — has an entirely different mind set than when they are actively engaged in their addiction. This person who did these wrongs literally has a different set of neurological activity than the base person at his core. In realizing this, I knew I was being done wrong by a person, but I was also being done wrong by an illness. It wasn’t until after she died I forgave her. In not forgiving her, I had massive amounts of anger — anger spilling out in a new relationship, and I feared hurting my wife now so badly that I had to see the anger I had was suppressed from the past. My life is approaching the way it should be, but I would be actively in the process of destroying this happiness by taking concealed anger out here, where it doesn’t belong.
I honestly believe you’re supposed to strike out on your own and heal first. Get away. Be your own person, then you present a much better, healed, more complete person to the other people in your life. This isn’t being selfish. Once you’ve healed, then you can forgive — you’ll want to forgive — and bring a much healthier, more complete person to the fore.
I don’t know what God wants you to do. I just know the hurt can eat us alive, and the forgiveness — after healing — is liberating. Good luck to you.
Comment by Mystic fire on 04/03/2010 at 10:08 pm
The reason you hate him is because you have not truly forgiven him…
And honestly, from the list of things above, who wouldnt have a hard time forgiving those particular offenses? What he did was so horrible, that it is still affecting your adult life.
For little girls, the sun rises and sets on Daddy and at some point you felt that way about him until the abuse started… This man who was supposed to love and care about you, and show you how a man is truly supposed to love you, flat out did you wrong…and that would hurt anyone. Your anger is justified but how long are you going to stay pissed off? Girl, it takes more energy to stay mad at someone than it takes to forgive them. Do you think he spends as much time thinking about you than you do being mad at him?
Part of forgiveness is detaching yourself from those memories that cause you pain….Think about it like this…Lets say your mind is like a dvd remote control…you can either keep hitting rewind over and over and go back to those memories that hurt you or you can press play, forgive and go on with your life. By detaching yourself, you are no longer giving your father any power over your life. Because right now he still has the power to to make you angry…all you have to do is think about what he did…
Forgiveness is easier said than done…I personally had to ask God to help me forgive someone who hurt me…But remember…you are not your past…That little girl that was frightened and abused is an adult now who has control over her own life. This man can no longer hurt you unless you allow him to. As a woman, sometimes in order to have peace you need to cut a man loose! Now this can be permanent or temporary.Whether that man is your father, your husband, or even your boss. Until they can get their act together…let them go. People will only do to you what you allow them to do…Make a decision…The only way that you can make peace with this situation is to forgive him and let it go…The choice is yours…On the spiritual tip…If Jesus can forgive those who beat Him, spit on Him, crucified and killed Him, you can also forgive.
This weak, pathetic man did not break you! God put you here for a reason…Read Psalm 139, Pray every day that God will show you how to forgive and to heal your soul, Square your shoulders, hold your head up high and be the world changing woman that God made you to be!
Peace and Love
Comment by Watching God Work on 04/03/2010 at 10:46 pm
It is very hard to forgive and love someone who has hurt you. However, God has forgiven us all. Read Matthew 6:14-15. If you want His forgiveness, you have an obligation to forgive. Then read Luke 6:27-28. After you have forgiven the person/people who have hurt you, then you have to bless them. You are not praying for him to blessed financially or anything, but you are praying that God blesses him spiritually. Your dad needs to repent and ask God for forgiveness as well. When you began to experience God, you will want to please Him. Sometimes obeying and being righteous is not comfortable. But, this is when you know God is working with you and through you. Once you forgive, let go, and let God, you will be free! Let your life be an example to others, which includes the rest of your family. That is why we are here. To bring people closer to God. Through your story and your life’s “messings”, YOU can be a blessing! Hope this helps. God bless you!
Comment by quitonick on 04/03/2010 at 11:00 pm
You don’t hate him, he basically gave you life, but you don’t love him and I understand why. My parents were both killed in an alley way when I was just a boy, and I dedicated my life to saving other people from having the same fate, so all you need is dedication to an ideal, because if you dedicate yourself to an ideal, and they can’t stop you, then you can become more than just a person, you can become a legend.