please help me, im 23 female and im on the edge.

i lost my mother at 11yrs of age, my dad was always at work so me and my sister did have help from family but i went off the rails, at 14 i was binge drinkin and at 16 i was kicked out from my fathers house. i had no where to go n slept on friends sofas till i met a guy at this time i was just 16n half, he let me stay at his house he was 24 yrs old n started forcing me to have sex, eventually he told me he didnt want me n i was on the street untill i told my nan and she took me in. i got a job but turned to alcohol to block out my emotions, i was on the brink of destroyin myself untill i was almost 18 and met my first love we eventually lived together but it got to the second yr and i had found out he was cheatin on me, and i caught him at it in our bed. i left heartbroken and worthyless………after that i dated for a while and was back to stayin at friends houses………..i moved up to my other nans and she took me in, i didnt date anyone for two years untill i met a man who i had fallen in love with, after two years of datin we moved in together, but i had not realised he was a heavy gambler and drank too much, he used to beat me till i couldnt move, and scream at me for being so ugly, and he would shout that im a fat worthless whore and force his fingers down my mouth to make sure i hadnt eaten anythink, he used to pin me down n have sex with me wen i was cryin and pleadin for him to get off, he made me give my card details and put me in thousands of debt to pay his gamblin habit, he would sometimes lock me in the room tied up with no phone cos he said that i couldn leave him.

i was so scared of him i didnt do anythink about it, i used to lie and pretend we were good, i got so stressed i started to have blackouts and was taken to hospital a few times. and then i found out i was pregnant, i didnt want to abort the baby but didnt wanna tell him, i packed my things one morning when he was at work and hid my things for the next day, but when he came in that evening he had lost alot of money and had been drinkin, and i didnt realise that, the day i had gone to get the pregnancy test he had me followed, he beat me and kicked me so hard i tried to protect the baby but failed, it was not long till i mis carried…………………since this i have left him but i live in fear of men now and i have nightmares, i have dated since.and people kept sayin to take a chance. but i dont want to be here, i have tried to overdose before but a friend caught me doin it n stopped me, i really am not happy, and i just want to be with my mum……………please help me………please write back