My parents are divorcing and my dad is an alcoholic. What should I do?
Posted by adminMar 31
My dad has emotionaly and somewhat physically abused me and my mom and a tiny bit my sister. Right now they are in a custody battle for us and I want to go with my mom, which has already been made obvious I will. They are fighting for visitation rights. I don’t want to forgive him because every time I have, he’s always ended up hurting me even worse again. My dad barely spent any time with me. He didn’t have any hobbies, exept drinking. When I found out he took perscription drugs that weren’t his, that was the big breaking point. How could he hurt us like this? I don’t remember this next incident but my mom does. He grabbed me and left bruises on my arm. We have a picture. I don’t want him to be in my life but at the same time I do. Right now I have the phone next to me and I am wondering if I should call him.
My dad also favors my sister. This is not one of those little kid he likes me better games. Even my mom has practically admitted it. Please help me. I am lost.
I have tried a counsler but they just cant relate and aren’t as nice as you guyz lol!! I tried talking to the judge but he decided to not talk to me. He let me write a letter.
Another thing: My aunt and uncle aren’t supporting me. Yeah it’s my uncles bro and all, but he’s say my dad is a good man. He lives a freaking 3 hours away, how would he know.
I have been pondering on wether to forgive him or not for a long time. Please help me!!!!
He has vistation rights but he never uses them. How do I know that he’s gotton help? He’s lied so many times. Whenever I see him, he acts like he never did anything. At his own father’s funeral, he either had a couple drinks befor or had taken some pills because we were playing a card game and he practically fell asleep.
23 comments
Comment by kissmeagainnow on 03/31/2010 at 6:23 pm
Be a kid and let them both know you love them!
Do what kids do!
Let the grown ups sort out their own mess.
Comment by la buena bruja on 03/31/2010 at 7:05 pm
You can ask for some time to think about things. You’ve made it clear that you want to be with your mother and the evidence supports that this is a good decision. As for your father, you don’t have to decide today what to do. Take your time to sort out your feelings. Perhaps a counselor could help.
Comment by allie on 03/31/2010 at 7:50 pm
I say stay away from dad if he’s hurt you like that. Stick with mom and be strong. I am sorry you have to go through this. No child should.
Comment by Frank S on 03/31/2010 at 8:08 pm
My advice is not to let him be part of your life until he stays sober for a period of time. Sorry you have to deal with a crappy situation like this.
Comment by amberrenee91 on 03/31/2010 at 8:17 pm
live with your mom
Comment by MolsonGuy on 03/31/2010 at 8:24 pm
Call him and tell him you hate him if he won’t clean up, if he doesn’t clean up, do it again until he cries, then when he shows ANY sign of progress make it seem like he’s an amazing person for it and keep doing it all the way. Once he starts getting better then just hug him and love him as much as you can, he’ll get better fast, this exact thing happened to a friend of mine but with his mom, i told him the same thing and it worked.
Comment by kaking1219 on 03/31/2010 at 8:36 pm
you really should be talking to a counselor, these are some major issues that you are dealing with.
Comment by baby gurl on 03/31/2010 at 9:03 pm
no u shouldnt my cousin said no becaus ehe hurt u and i say yes because hes ur father
Comment by mel s on 03/31/2010 at 9:08 pm
If you are over 12, you should be allowed to tell the judge everything you just told us, and he will not make you go to your fathers.
Good luck, and I am sorry.
Comment by Chrissy on 03/31/2010 at 9:13 pm
Ask to speak to the judge that is handling your custody case. If he/she hears what you told us then either the judge will order that your mom will get full custody with no visitation with your father or the judge might order supervised visitation.
Good Luck Sweetie
Comment by always confused.. on 03/31/2010 at 10:03 pm
im srry but i would have to say go with ur mom u wouldent want ur dad comin home at night drunk and everything and possibly hurtin u it sucks my dad has been drunk a couple times he said people were commin to our house and we had to leave now and go to new york -.- but u can still visit ur dad if u want i go to my dads every weekend so just think of that i hope i helped
Comment by Dulos on 03/31/2010 at 10:05 pm
I am so sorry you have to go through this. You know what you can/can’t handle as far as calling him, etc. It’s natural to want to keep a relationship with your Dad, even with his faults … you can’t help that. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. Just take one day at a time.
Comment by ramni222 on 03/31/2010 at 10:58 pm
very sorry to hear he is an alcoholic and that he has hurt you your mom and sister. it must be difficult for you and your sister.
he needs treatment.
we all need a father and mother.
at a future date i hope things will work out for all.
i pray that you all will have good blessings.
i do not have an answer or solution for you.
Comment by Dan on 03/31/2010 at 11:18 pm
Divorces suck. I know, because my parents are going through one too. I don’t know if there is anything you can do, but it sounds like you are being put in the best situation possible with your mom. You have to try to forgive your dad, but that doesn’t mean you forget what he did, trust him right away, or expect him to change. You can forgive him without all that. In these terrible situations, I don’t know if there’s anything you can do, except pray.
Comment by Dee D on 03/31/2010 at 11:24 pm
call the damn police and say he has been physically and emotionaly abusive you wouldnt want no one touching you like that whats wrong with him shit if thats was me i would be in court singing like a canary about him
Comment by purple gorilla on 03/31/2010 at 11:57 pm
You need counseling.I’d stay away from him. Only talk to him on the phone if he calls you. Your Mom needs to protect you and your sister until everything is decided by the courts.
Comment by india.magica on 04/01/2010 at 12:15 am
Which way to go?
From your description it seems clear that you really want to stay with your Mom. I feel that you should to be safe.
To see your Dad safely, you could get some supervision for every visit, preferably a neutral person. This should work.
You could choose to see him every week, every two weeks, or every month for an hour or two.
Know that your Dad would choose a different behavior if he could, he obviously has a problem with himself. Please forgive him, but stay safe.
Wishing you the very best.
Cordially, India.Magica
Comment by Deborah M on 04/01/2010 at 1:11 am
I am sorry to hear of your situation. You have clear thinking even thou it hurts. You need to heal. Your father is not capable of helping anyone. He has an illness. Wish him well and do what is best yourself. Thinking of yourself first will be the road to recovery for the emotional upset he has caused you. As we get older we become more and more responsible for our own decisions. Your father has not been a good custodian of his children. You must become a independent thinker and a responsible person. You are not responsible for the behavior of your parents. Your mother has made a good decision for herself and is thinking of her children. Choosing not to spend time with your father is a responsible choice. You are making a decision to look out in the best interest of you. It is a good new beginning. Do not feel bad about it. Be confident and direct with your choice. I wish you the very best in our future.
Comment by kim c on 04/01/2010 at 1:33 am
How old are you?? My son has lived with me full time and has his Dad had him every other weekend. As he got older (maybe 10 or 11)he just went when he wanted to. When my parents divorced I felt that I had to be loyal to my Mom and so I didn’t see my Dad. I felt hurt about the divorce and felt that it was my Dad’s fault that they split up and hurt my Mom. This make it easy to decide not to see him but I secretly missed him. It took 3 years before I seen him again. I wish I didn’t lose that time with him. He was never the perfect father but he didn’t hurt me physically. Maybe part of the agreement should say that you will visit him if he is in treatment for achololics. It also sounds like your Mom is feeling pretty angry with your Dad right now(understandable but she should keep these feelings to herself) this is how my Mom was and it made me mad that he made my Mom feel this way. I felt that I had to protect her and I thought if I had a relationship with my Dad she would be more hurt. This was wrong. I think I can hear from you that you are angry with your Dad right now and you have every right to be but I think you can get past it and have a healthy relationship with him. Good Luck
Comment by Pamela G on 04/01/2010 at 1:40 am
Sweetie – how old are you? You’ve been through a lot and my heart breaks for you. Right now you need to be very very strong and focused.
Think hard about YOU and where you want to be in five years, ten years, 25 years. You are a strong, healthy, vibrant human being with a wonderful FUTURE ahead of you. Do not let the fact that you have a messed up father deter you from that vision. You do need to disassociate from this man if you are to break the cycle. Life is not a dress rehearsal.
Focus on yourself, your mom, and your sister – YOUR education, YOUR priorities, YOUR goals and helping your family get through this. YOU CAN DO IT! Find someone that you can talk to – a good place to start might be Alcoholics Anonymous – and check out the link for some reading for children of alcoholics.
Sending prayers and cyber hugs. Good luck!
Comment by wereoffline on 04/01/2010 at 2:01 am
I grew up in a similar situation only I didnt have any abuse part except for the mental stress that came along with having drunk parents fighting all the time. Your dad sounds like mine was, useless to his family, all he did was work and drink, no hobbies, or a life to speak of. You cant make him out to be something he isnt, and you cant force him to be father of the month. Even if you could slap him around into being half decent dad for a day he will ultimatly go back to the same old moron dad. If I were you I would stay with mom and get on with your life. If he wants no part of yours thats his loss. Thats what I did and as an 35 year old with my own 3 boys now I think I made out pretty well with out him at his choice. Find you a male roll model you can do things with and help you along in lifes journeys as a father figure/older brother etc. I feel for you but I dont pitty you because I have been there and its just one of lifes bad hands you get delt. Nothing you can do to make it go away so just mind your life and make the most of it. Most of all dont get down on yourself or think you have any part in him not being the proper dad, dont let it get you down and out. I hope this helps.
Comment by kind1 on 04/01/2010 at 2:33 am
O Sweetie I wish that I could help you out more, if I could change your situation I would! You should not have to go though this type of thing. All I can say is live your life as a child. You can’t carry your father’s burden on your shoulders, yes he hurt you but what can you do at this point? I suggest that you pray for your father and hopefully he will realize that he have a problem and get the help he needs! until then keep your head up and your dad loves you but he have a sickness(drinking)! I wish your family the best!
Comment by Max on 04/01/2010 at 3:31 am
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time like this. Addiction can be like a sickness, so maybe your dad did some of these things when he was not really thinking clearly because of being an alcoholic. That does not excuse it either or mean it was not wrong, but he probably still really loves you. Maybe he feels really bad about what he did to you, and that affects how he acts with you compared to your sister, who knows? You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and maybe you can talk to your mom or another relative like a grandparent or aunt or uncle or friend’s parent or a teacher if you find it helps to talk to them too (sometimes it helps to talk to someone other than mom and dad). If you sort of want to see him but are worried about it, maybe you can spend some time with him with or without your sister, and with another adult too (might be another relative or adult friend other than your mom if they are not getting on so well). Hope it works out for you. Try to remember too, that he probably really does love you, even though he is not treating you well, and it is not your fault.