39 comments

1. 

   Comment by ballman4425 on 03/19/2010 at 11:41 am

   NO!! Shut Up and go back to Hoooore Island!!

2. 

   Comment by Guess Who on 03/19/2010 at 11:52 am

   He may be a lazy bum, but legally, he is entitled to see his daughter.

3. 

   Comment by al e. c on 03/19/2010 at 11:59 am

   sounds like you have the issue with him and are forcing that upon your daughter, its his kid, he’s got rights, no matter when he decides to comearound. start with scheduled phone calls, see how that goes, if he keeps up then maybe schedule a supervised visit and go from there. she only has one dad, no matter what an a hole he is, that’s her dad.

4. 

   Comment by Brian Gee on 03/19/2010 at 12:16 pm

   I believe he is always going to have the right to see his daughter. If the tables had been turned and he had custody would you want him to keep her from you? Also just because you marry another man, that is not going to automatically make the new guy her father. He will only be her step father, and for him to adopt her, the biological father would need to give up his rights legally through family court, or die!

5. 

   Comment by ♥Love_Pink♥ on 03/19/2010 at 1:10 pm

   your fiancee would have to adopt your daughter, (with permission of the REAL father) to be the full custody father. good luck, i’ll pray for you

6. 

   Comment by merce on 03/19/2010 at 1:37 pm

   Dont let your daughter get close 2 the real dad or even let them talk 2 each other!

   P.S. Take our advice!!!!!!!!! (Really)

   We’ll also pray 4 you!

   Good luck! you’ll always be in our prayers!

7. 

   Comment by lookingfor_mrrightnow on 03/19/2010 at 2:26 pm

   You probably should consult with an attorney in regards to getting either sole custody of your daughter or possibly getting the bio father to terminate his parental rights allowing your fiancee to adopt her. As long as bio dad’s rights are not terminated he will always have a claim.

8. 

   Comment by Marianne T on 03/19/2010 at 3:23 pm

   Well, the father of your daughter just kind of sounds like a sperm donor. I would ask him if he will allow your husband to adopt her once you marry? If not, I would press him for child support. That could be your trump card. If he refuses, tell him you will need to take him to court for back child support and he will have to get a job to send all the checks on time from now on otherwise. Full custody should not be an option because he can always change his mind and want weekends or summers. Something that would be very upsetting to your daughter. How wonderful you have found a nice man that she loves and he loves her. Good luck, Sweetie.

9. 

   Comment by moon7043 on 03/19/2010 at 4:20 pm

   Since your daughter is young now, she’ll obviously doesn’t have the right frame of mind to choose whether she should know her real father or not. You can get fully custody now but there can be a time in the future where she’ll ask about him and would want to get to know him. It sounds like the real daddy can’t get out of his “hump” of a bad life…but that doesn’t mean hes a bad person. I think the judge will side in your favor if you requested full custody again, but just keep in mind many children as they get older want to know their “real” fathers or parents.

10. 

    Comment by brandonjones@swbell.net on 03/19/2010 at 5:12 pm

    If you don’t allow him to see her then don’t expect any child support. Please remember that she is his daughter too and through all the mistakes (and I’m not defending him, I will never defend anyone who drinks and drives) he probably still loves her. I would hate to be in your position or his. It’s a tough decision and I wouldn’t be relying on the Yahoo! answers community to make a decision.

11. 

    Comment by gypsyveg on 03/19/2010 at 6:11 pm

    He’s not going to give up his rights as a parent. Nothing will change when you get married. The only way he could give up rights is if your ex was willing to walk away and allow her to be adopted.

    They both have a ‘right’ to see each other (father and daughter). Do you have any visitation agreement in place? If not, time to make one. Like he can’t drive with her (due to his DUIs) once a week, every other week on Sunday, no overnight visits until she gets to know him – talk to a lawyer or a court appointed mediator.

    Also, consider talking to a counselor to help you deal with what you are feeling, to give you help with how to address your daughters questions and how to introduce the two of them again.

12. 

    Comment by cinnatigg on 03/19/2010 at 6:40 pm

    Now that your doctor is old enough, ask her if she wants to see her sperm donor. If not, feel justified to tell him that you don’t want him in your lives and that since he doesn’t act like he has a child, then he has not rights to see her.

    No, being married doesn’t automatically make him her father. You have to actually get the other dude to give up his paternal rights in order to have the other one to be legitimized as her father. He will be her stepfather because of the marriage, but nothing else. Sorry.

13. 

    Comment by suzlaa1971 on 03/19/2010 at 7:21 pm

    Well, I can certainly understand how you feel. There are two issues here, one that I think that’s going to be easier than the other. The first easy issue, is wait until she’s older to let her see her dad. She’s still pretty young (unless she’s mature for her age). When I mean older, I mean like 12 or something. The other issue is, I’m suprised you don’t have full custody with him being in and out of jail; but you’ll need to hire an attorney on that one. Only the courts can legally decide on that one. Yes, he legally does have a right to her since he’s on her birth cert, there’s no way around that one unfortunately =(

14. 

    Comment by Celeste on 03/19/2010 at 7:46 pm

    My best advice would be to make him work to see his daughter. Your primary concern is keeping her safe and she doesn’t need a dad who’s half there and half gone or in and out of jail – that doesn’t exactly sound like the influence I would want reaching my child.

    If her natural dad *wants* to see her, than he can go to court and file for visitation rights. Also, if you aren’t already in court for the child support, I would be. Go through the courts, their best interest is going to be you and her and from the sounds of it, he doesn’t need to be alone with the child perhaps supervised visitations are in order.

    But, a court will have a legal document on the arrangement so if he violates it in any way, you have a legal fallback. Make him work for it though, if he’s still not ready to be a father and he doesn’t understand the beauty of seeing his little girl grow up then forget him. She doesn’t need someone like that, she needs you and mostly you in the end.

15. 

    Comment by ina_ivy_love on 03/19/2010 at 8:12 pm

    I belive you need to have a custody case and forfit childsupport in the case agaist her real father. Then you need to file for adoption with your new Husband.

    But this all sounds like it needs to be handled in a court case. You don’t want to give him a chance to get your daugter.

    But then again he does have all the rights to his daughter untill he forfits it all in court. But with everything agaist him already I think you should be able to have it all figured out in good nature.

16. 

    Comment by skcs11 on 03/19/2010 at 8:58 pm

    you and your daughter should not see him ever again. Your daughter is in a stable envirement and is happy, dont ruin that. He can adopter because of abandment of the sperm doner. You have done a great job, and should be proud of yourself, keep it up

17. 

    Comment by Violet Pearl on 03/19/2010 at 9:56 pm

    The sperm donor doesn’t seem to contribute anything to the child’s life- except chaos and drama, so personally, I’d be wanting to cut ties with the loser and have your husband formally adopt her once you’re married.
    You need to have this legally sorted out- nothing is automatic when you marry. Get a lawyer to find a way to terminate his parental rights, possible using the threat of collecting back child support as leverage.
    Just because a man knocks up a woman doesn’t make him a “father”- he’s a bum and a loser.

18. 

    Comment by jagratii on 03/19/2010 at 10:25 pm

    Well if you want custody in full you can try to take him to court but it probably will not do you any good since he cannot keep a job and is obviously not worried about jail time. If he has not given you or your daughter any financial or any other kind of support then he does not have any rights to her. It seems he gave that up a long time ago and any judge with half a brain will agree. I honestly think that you all are better off without him. Just because he is her biological parent does not make him her father and it sounds to me like she already has a good dad.

19. 

    Comment by silly on 03/19/2010 at 10:54 pm

    okay.. try to assess your daughter’s feelings first. i mean she’s turning eight already, right? ask her if she wants to see her father.. and do you honestly think that your daughter is happier when she sees her dad? or does that happiness turn into loneliness once the dad doesn’t show up again? if it hurts your daughter to be seeing her dad one day then not see him for three months then i’d suggest you don’t allow him to see her. protect your child’s feelings. but if she doesn’t mind not seeing him for three months then go ahead. let them meet. as mad as you are with your ex, it wouldnt be right to give her ideas that her father didn’t even try to see her, you know what i mean? so let her decide.

20. 

    Comment by Robert P on 03/19/2010 at 11:03 pm

    you can’t keep a father (even a BAD one) from seeing his daughter…. I assume you have full custody…if he’s been in and out of jail that’s a no brainer. see if he will give up his parental rights and let your soon to be husband adopt her. (catch your ex in a weak moment when he needs money and work a deal..just make sure you have papers ready to sign)

21. 

    Comment by angelintown2001 on 03/20/2010 at 12:00 am

    i think you should call him and talk to him with out your daughter knowing about it and explain to him about how his actions are effecting your child and explain you will allow him in her life when he proves that he can handle just making regular phone calls to your daughter.Start him off small because if he can be responsible enough to gain a phone relationship with her there is no way he can handle a physical relationship and if her continues down this track maybe you and your man should consider him adopting her because in that case the real dad only wants to be involved when it benefits him

22. 

    Comment by m_c_m_a_n on 03/20/2010 at 12:09 am

    If you hired a lawyer there is little your ex could do with his record to keep you from getting full custody.

    On the other issue, it is your responsibility to protect your child from potentially harmful influences. I would say to let her talk to him on the phone as long as you can listen in. However, when she gets older you should let her decide if she wants to see him. Of course with the same provision that he is not going to be a harmful influence.

    If you keep her from contacting him (later in life) she may resent you for it. Think of her first and not so much of how you feel toward your ex. Don’t worry, she will figure out on her own just what kind of person he is.

    Conceiving a child doesn’t make him a father….

23. 

    Comment by curious me on 03/20/2010 at 12:22 am

    You do have options…if you go to the courts you can file for full custody with no visitation rights, or you can ask him to give up all parental rights to her and then you dont have to let him see or talk to her. Just because you marry does not take away his rights as a parent, you have to go through the courts to make that happen.

    Just remember that he is her father no matter what, regardless of wether you like him or not. You should ask her if she wants to talk to him, and let her be apart of the decision. Someday she is going to ask more questions about him and to hear that you told him he wasnt allowed to see or talk to her, she may start to be resentful toward you. Just be careful in the decision that you make for her.

    Also, you should go to the courts to get the child support, if you haven’t already done so.

24. 

    Comment by Rosey on 03/20/2010 at 12:50 am

    Wow…u got alot of dumb answers on here, so hopefully mine can actually help. You have to file papers in court to get full custody and chances are, since he won’t leave you alone, he won’t sign off on it. Yes, its his daughter, BUT if he isn’t paying child support than I don’t think he has a right to insist on visits and things. Your daughter is almost old enough to decide if she wants to spend time with him or not. If not, then tell him to clean up his act, pay up his child support and he can slowly try to be apart of his daughters life. Hope this helps…Good Luck!

25. 

    Comment by eviot44 on 03/20/2010 at 1:01 am

    it is an open wound i would say not let him since he is not supporting you i had a same kind situation awhile back she took my son and i did not see him for 5 years and then all she wanted was just the money now i do not have a relationship with hem it cost me more than 100 gran and a lot of grief not Good for your daughter either!!

26. 

    Comment by brenda_lilb on 03/20/2010 at 1:34 am

    I have a friend going through the same thing. Her baby”s daddy never did anything for her. (daughter) Don’t make it easy for him. You should never feel guilty. you did nothing wrong!
    I suggest you take him to court for custody. Thats the only way all this drama will end! or call the welfare office for advice

27. 

    Comment by LegalAss4Now on 03/20/2010 at 1:40 am

    Unless you get him to sign over his custodial rights, which it sounds like is NOT an option for him, then you are stuck with him. He is her father, he is on the birth certificate. He is entitled to see her.

    If you never set up custody/visitation rights, then now might be the time to have those in place. It will at least give him some boundaries as to when he is allowed to see her, etc.

    A judge will only consider revoking the parental rights of a parent if there is a certain amount of time in which he/she is not a part of the child’s life, makes no contribution to the child (financially) and has no contact with the child. Each state is different.

    My suggestion to you is to get a family atty to look at your case, file a petition for custody allowing him visitation rights, get the child support set in stone and go from there. If he continues to be non-supportive (physically and/or financially) then you can bring it to the court’s attention and the judge can look at the case from there.

28. 

    Comment by Betsy on 03/20/2010 at 2:35 am

    I think you should go to the friend of the court and let them know of your situation. I know by experience that you can ask your ex if he will sign off his parental rights. If he won’t then you are entitled to not let him see your child. But these days it is actually up to the court to decide on visitation and such. I would advise that you get an attorney, explain your situation to him and take it from there. Congratulations for getting on with your life and becoming independent and on your marriage and new life. Good luck in the future.

29. 

    Comment by sage seeker on 03/20/2010 at 3:22 am

    1. Custody is awarded by the courts – not individuals – and is only legal when done so by the courts. Many who unwed parents of a child or children think that just because one has raised the child the other doesn’t ‘have custody’. Until a court rules and grants custody, custody belongs to both parents. I used to counsel my clients regularly to immediately seek full and permanent custody in the courts!

    2. Visitation is another matter – is he the ‘father of record’? Meaning is he listed as her father on the birth certificate? Was legal paternity ever established?

    The non custodial parent is almost ALWAYS granted visitation rights and legally it has little or nothing to do with whether they have ‘participated’ financially or otherwise in the child’s upbringing.

    3. Nothing automatic happens once you marry. The custody situation remains the same until you have it changed in a court. Your new husband has no custodial rights, unless you and he were to agree at a later date for him to seek to legally adopt your daughter [that's another long explanation]

    Just read where you said he is on the birth certificate…yes, he has rights of visitation; he has a right to say no on adoption proceedings; he has a right to sue for custody.

    My advice?? Get a lawyer to protect your rights

    Another piece of advice would be for you to release yourself of your resentments against this man and realize that regardless of the quality of his character he IS the biological father of your child and yes, she has a right to know him.

    Yes, you can control the contact within the provisions/parameters of the court but your daughter will thank you one day for allowing her the opportunity and she will make her own decision [mine did]

30. 

    Comment by cucumber_to_the_rescue on 03/20/2010 at 4:01 am

    Kids sense when one parent does not like the other. YOU are part of the problem and your kid will realize it when they are 14-18 and YOU will pay the price.

    You should allow him to see the child and simply put up with the BS. If you did that half the problems would simply go away.

    It takes two to not get along but you want to blame it all on him. Kids see that.

    “why should I do anything to make things easier for him?”

    Because your child should come first.

    You sound like my ex “I was happier” “I liked it better”.

    Maybe you should think about your kid a little more.

    In my case my ex was exactly like you and I was not the best dad at the start. Now my daughter lives with me and hates her mother for always pushing me away.

    Maybe you have the same future in store for you?

31. 

    Comment by poopinmypocket on 03/20/2010 at 4:58 am

    I was once the child in that position, it sucked horribly. The choice for her to see her biological father is not yours. He may be a piece of sh*t, but he is still the man, or boy, who created her. If your daughter wants to see her dad, let her, or she could hold it against you for the rest of her life. Leave the decision to her. As long as you did your job as a parent, she’ll make the right decision. As for full custody, you should’ve done that when he was in jail. You will need a lawyer, getting married has nothing to do with his custody rights.

32. 

    Comment by J D on 03/20/2010 at 5:27 am

    He will always have a right to see his daughter unless he does something to have his parental rights terminated. Your situation (married or not) has nothing to do with his relationship to his daughter. If you say things like you are happy when he’s in jail so you don’t have to deal with him, it’s no wonder he doesn’t come around much. Don’t think for a minute that your daughter is going to forget the part you played in ruining any relationship that might have formed between her and her real dad.

33. 

    Comment by Kevin J on 03/20/2010 at 5:50 am

    The only way to get rid of him is to terminate his parental rights, if that happens then he no longer has to pay child support, which he doesnt anyway, and he no longer has any rights to see the child. I would say the best way to do this is to figure out exactly how much child support he owes you and give him the option of paying the support or terminating his rights. He may surprise you and choose to pay, but from the sounds of it, he will give up his rights to avoid paying what he owes.

34. 

    Comment by lori_love_emmalee on 03/20/2010 at 6:47 am

    He would have supervised visits only it would be controlled and due to bum status this has to be until you see at least 2 years stability in his life and support. You have no right and it is not your decision to keep your daughter from her Dad this is her Dad and always will be and the truth is she will love him and you, despite your flaws like crazy. She will see her Dad for what he is but it wont matter and she never will blame you from keeping her from Dad. Let her decide no one could have told me anything about my Dad and if they tried they were not my friend no matter how much of a bum he was! Good luck! And congrats on having a child so many adults want to love in there own way!

35. 

    Comment by bellaj_ddils on 03/20/2010 at 7:31 am

    I’m in a very similar spot.

    Depends where you live. Here in Ohio, an unmarried mother has sole custody of her children until otherwise ruled by a court. So that means, my kids father would have to FILE FOR CUSTODY and a judge would have to GRANT it. Until then, he’s legally a stranger to them. Check your state laws.

    There is also an abandonment law. After a certain amount of time without physical or financial support, a parent is found to have abandoned their child. Check into this.

    My opinion is– F*** HIM!! He is doing NOTHING for your daughter except confusing and hurting her. She never knows when he will be there for her or not. She can’t count on him, and barely knows him. She could grow up with an insecurity about men in general. That is not fair to HER! And, after all, this is about your daughter! NOT HIM! Screw “father’s rights” He gave those up a long time ago!! If he wanted rights, he should have stepped up LONG AGO! That is just too freakin’ bad if you ask me. Your daughter needs a steady, responsible role model, and her biological father just isn’t cutting it. I would recommend you cut him off as soon as possible, send your daughter to counseling, and start your new family!!

    Hopefully, it will work out so your new husband can adopt your daughter. (If that is what you want) I will pray for you. Feel free to contact me if you need support, I know all too well what you’re feeling.

36. 

    Comment by s a on 03/20/2010 at 7:48 am

    The real father of your child seems to have an attitudinal problem as far as his job is concerned. You could very well consult a lawyer and get his rights terminated if that is possible, otherwise he will keep coming back and be a bad influence for your daughter.

    If he has financial problem, you could also talk to him to give paternal right in the shape of adoption to your husband whom your daughter also loves, you could pay him some money for this consideration (this idea may not be feasible but if you find it good then you could at least give it a try).

    Just remember one thing – In the case of your separation from the current husband, you may have to face trouble regarding custody of the daughter. I am not very sure though. I would suggest you a full session with your lawyer.

37. 

    Comment by LORRAINE M on 03/20/2010 at 8:30 am

    hi let your child make up her own mind about her father she may resent the fact that you didnt let her see him in a few years , kids arent silly she will quickly have him weighed up xx

38. 

    Comment by Mary J on 03/20/2010 at 8:58 am

    My advise is a rather biased one, as I too had the same problem. I have searched my soul deeply in order to answer these questions you have. First thing you have to realize is you did not concieve this child by yourself. You had to at one time or another cared for the guy that fathered your daughter. It is not your daughter’s fault that you had a child by an unsuitable doner, however he is her father and she deserved the right to draw her own conclusions about her father, and in time she will be able to do that honestly without any influence by you. Him losing his job should be no concern of yours, him going to jail is also not your concern. How he chooses to live his life is on him not you. His finances are also not your concern except that he pays his child support. If you want your child support go to the family support division and file a petition to get it, it will be court ordered. I would defenatly be concerned if he is staying drunk or under the influence while your daughter is in his costody, you can request testing on a regular basis to determine if this is the case. Remember, your childs chances of being successful in life may depend on her being able to see first hand both sides of the coin. It is your God given right to teach your children the truth and her father is part of that. Do not let that man upset you, stay in control by staying calm with him at all times. He will always be there even after you marry again. Once he leaves then YELL< SCREAM> CUSS whatever it takes to make you feel better, monitor your daughter very closely upon her return from visits., and protect yourself and your daughter with the tools that are available to you. The only way you can be given full custody is to prove the father un-fit and that is very hard to do on your own, you have to have proof, not hear say. Gather up the proof and go for it if you feel it is what is in the best interest of your child, but don’t do this if it is to make things easier for yourself. this is not about you, it is about your daughter. Be fair to your child, to hell with everyone else, she is the one depending on her mommy to raise her up to be a God fearing successful individual in her adult life. By the way I think it is wonderful that you have found someone to love you and your child so much he is willing to make you both a part of his life and future. Good luck!

39. 

    Comment by hallie on 03/20/2010 at 9:29 am

    i would give him another chance if he truly wants to be a father he would want to be there but if he dosent do a good job then i would get full custody of the kid so he couldt see her. there is a way you can get full custody but you have to go a lawyer and a judge to get it. if in any way possible find stuff that you can use against him like does he have a drinking problem did he abuse you stuff like that . I HOPE I HELPED LET ME NO WHAT HAPPENED hallie_reed_97601@yahoo.com GOOD LUCK

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