Is it wrong to decide that you do not want your unborn child’s father in his/her life?
Posted by adminMay 31
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for three years. I am 30, he is 33. He has a three year old son from a previous relationship. I am three months pregnant, and got to be part of the lucky 1% that gets pregnant while on the pill. (Note to those using the pill as their primary means of birth control: USE A CONDOM!!) Now, I have misgivings regarding whether or not I want this man in my life. I already wanted to end the relationship when I found out I was pregnant. I have seen his “parenting skills” firsthand with his son….I’ve seen him drunk while “taking care” of him…twice when his son got up, his father was hungover and slept until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, allowing me to get his little boy breakfast, change wet diapers, etc. He owes thousands of dollars in back child support…the list goes on. I don’t want my child to grow up with an unstable, alcoholic father. His whole family is the same. Is it wrong of me to decide I don’t want him in my child’s life?
17 comments
Comment by goddessamber13676 on 05/31/2010 at 7:30 pm
Leave.. go to court when the baby is born and express why you feel he is a bad father.. most likely they will give you custody.
Comment by The Scorpion on 05/31/2010 at 7:35 pm
Normally I would say yes it is wrong to make that choice, but what are we supposed to say when YOU pick a loser like this to jump into bed with? Rough days ahead, I’m afraid. You’ve done a great disservice to your child.
Comment by ~shopping is my bestfriend~ on 05/31/2010 at 7:46 pm
It’s not wrong at all. I totally agree with you. I would never want my child growing up with a father like that. Good Luck!
Comment by Wounded Duck on 05/31/2010 at 8:06 pm
Sadly, that decision is not yours. It will be up to the court. Gather ALL the information you can. And make sure it is LEGALLY obtained. So far you have shown bad judgment. For the sake of your child, try to change that. Seek Professional legal assistance as soon as possible!
Comment by Megan F on 05/31/2010 at 8:52 pm
Deff. not You gotta do what you think is the best for your child.1 If the father has a past of being a bad father then why the heck would you want your child aroud nthat..THAT is wrong!! Knowingly puttin your child in a dangerous and neglicant state! Now you do gota make a decision regarding support..if you want child support your going to HAVE TO let him in the childs life..in my case i dont want support so i dont let my sons father in his life! But if you are capable of doin it yourself then heck dont let him in the childs life. IF he really wants to be in the life then he will petition the court and while doin so i belive he is trying to be a good father..it all depends!
Comment by comfortable0 on 05/31/2010 at 9:46 pm
Unfortunately you chose him to sleep with/have a relationship with… and now your pregnant. So he will be in your life forever, or at least till the child is 18. You can’t decide if he’s in your child’s life or not… only the court can. Get a lawyer, keep track of how he treats his own child and let the lawyer know. It’s not wrong of you to not want him in your child’s life, but it was wrong of you to have a relationship with an alcoholic unstable person.
Comment by Juju on 05/31/2010 at 10:44 pm
If you feel in any way that your childs father would not take proper care of your child then I would have to say your not wrong, your protecting your child. I would also say that it shoudl be the childs choice, when old enough, to decide if he/she wants a relationship with the dad. My daughters dad is not there for her, I will NOT leave them alone together, and I will NOT make him see her, that is his choice. And while it saddens me that he is not there for her like my dad was here for me I cannot make him. He starting doing drugs and totally changed from who he used to be. I don’t allow them to be alone, not even for a min, but he is welcome to see her, under my supervision when ever he wants. When she is old and if she decides she no longer wants to see him her wishes will be followed.
Comment by catsealpan on 05/31/2010 at 11:31 pm
I don’t think its okay for any of us to say its right or wrong. I’d definitely have concerns. But I have to ask – if you knew this first hand – what were you thinking? I think the purpose of dating (etc) is to find someone you want to be with and have a family with, etc.
You have to remember something – its not just your child – it takes 2 to tango. So- he as the right to get an attorney and fight for that child (or at least visitation). I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certification or even give the child his last name (but if you go that route – remember you might have a hard time getting child support). If you don’t want him to be active in the child’s life your best bet now is to just stay away from him, don’t ask for child support, and raise the child yourself. He might come after you for visitation anyway. Or if you ask for child support – they court can change the child’s last name and the birth certification information. Also – that would probably even more so prompt him to want visitation. Good Luck!
Comment by lovebug123 on 05/31/2010 at 11:53 pm
You two aren’t married, you don’t even have to put him on the birth certificate. You can say the child is someone else’s, what is he going to do, get a paternity test done? I seriously doubt it, that costs money and he wont even pay child support for the child he already has. Just walk away.
Comment by BriarKat on 06/01/2010 at 12:45 am
It’s not up to you though. He has rights. I have to wonder though…why would you be involved with someone you already know is a loser?
Comment by Boodle on 06/01/2010 at 1:39 am
No I don’t think it’s wrong as a mother it’s your natural instinct to protect your child and from the way it sounds your bf seems to have some issues that only he can fix and correct. I believe that just because you make a baby doesn’t make you a parent. Parenting takes A LOT to say the least. Regardless of whether parents are together, divorced, etc. kids should always be the top priority afterall they didn’t ask to be brought into this world. So if you decide that you don’t want him to be a part of your child’s life then that’s fine, however if you wanna tell him that you’re pregnant but you’ve decided that it would be best to break things off and so forth and if he disagrees then you can tell him well unless he can fix what mistakes and lack of responsibility when it comes to being a Dad then so be it. Of course I’m sure he didn’t end up the way he is overnight so it’s not going to change overnight and odds are not all but most men that are that age don’t change ever, it’s like they’re set in thier ways. Your child cannot miss what they don’t have. And later on when you’re child starts asking questions about the father just be honest. You could say that he wasn’t able to take care of himself and you only want whats’s best for (boy/girl) as well as as a Mommy it’s your job to make sure your child is ok. My opinion (which everybody has one) what ever decision you make with all of this, I feel that any instability in a child’s life is critical for when they become young adults, not to mention the effect it can have on their emotional and mental well being. And if you were wanting to end the relationship before finding out about your pregnancy then obviously you’re not happy and that’s completely understandable. Hope this helps! Good luck and congratulations on your baby!
Comment by TotalRecipeHound on 06/01/2010 at 1:54 am
Because of DNA, you don’t actually have a choice. If he wants to be involved, he can be. Child support and parenting are two different issues.
Comment by mollybleu on 06/01/2010 at 1:59 am
Hello, no it’s not wrong to leave the baby’s father. I did the same thing. And i am now glad i did. I found God and i have a whole new outlook on life. And my kids are grown and i now have Grandkids. And they see their Father for what he really is w/o me haveing to say a word to them about him through their growing up years. Now the Grandkids see their Grandfather the same. And then the father sees how much he is missing out on and maybe clean up his act quicky or misses out for their whole childhood and his Grandkids, and sees how he blew it. Some men never change, they stay that way til they are old. You can meet someone who really cares for you and your children, and alcohol can lead to no good. I use to drink and one thing led to another and i almost took my own life. I found God and now i am much happier. I wish now i wouldn’t have turned family and friends away when they tried to tell me about God and a better life. You can still enjoy life and have God too. But in a much safer, better, happier way. God bless you, u r in myprayers as several others. mollybleu
Comment by Katie C on 06/01/2010 at 2:12 am
I would “stay” with him long enough to get documented proof of his bad father skills.
Take him to court and make it known that all you want is him to go away.
You can’t have it both ways, have child support and no father around. Unless he wants to. But it’s much easier to prove he’s unfit and take the baby away and go raise it better.
Comment by alicat on 06/01/2010 at 3:02 am
You are completely justified in your feelings. End the relationship for sure and see if he’s willing to sign over his parental rights. If so, he wouldn’t owe you a dime in child support and have no need to connect with you or this child for any reason in the future. I would plant the seed now though, before he starts to get involved and feel at all paternal as your belly grows. He may be scared at the thought of another and be looking for a way out. Offer him one. If he’s not willing
to let it go, you can’t refuse to allow him the ability to see his child. You have to start planning your defense now. Keep a log of what you have seen and experienced first hand. Try not to make it a judgment on him, make it about the well being of your child. Keep specific dates and times and list exactly what happened. It will help you in court when you can show there is an ongoing pattern of neglect. I don’t know about where you live, but here in Texas, if you don’t pay child support you have no rights to the child. If he gets visitation and misses one or is late picking up or dropping off, he can lose visitation and you have the right to request supervised visits when he starts to see your child to establish he is truly interested in your baby’s well being. I hope this helps.
*** Just wanted to add, you could leave now and tell him it’s not his baby. You would again get no child support and would need to exclude him from the birth certificate. He CAN challenge you for paternal rights and petition the court for a DNA test, but it’s very unlikely. That usually only happens when you go to court for child support and the dad doesn’t want to pay claiming it’s not his child. A friend of mine is about to have her baby and she told the father it’s not his and she wasn’t keeping it when she left him. He hasn’t fought her on it and she hasn’t really spoken to him since. She’s doing great and very excited to meet her new little girl. I wish you all the best!
Comment by ♥♥ Sophie's ♥♥ Mummy ♥♥ on 06/01/2010 at 3:58 am
i would go through the courts on this one. make sure you have proof however that he is not a good father.
Comment by potblackettle on 06/01/2010 at 4:40 am
It’s a shame you got pregnant by/dated such a loser, but what can you do? The fact is you created a child together and if you want child support or if the court says so your boyfriend has a certain amount of right to his child.
You can go to court and make your worries known but that’s about the best you can do. And honestly, if your boyfriend is not physically abusive he’s going to have rights to your child. The court may order supervised visits or may instruct him to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. You owe it to your child to at least talk to the father and ask him to straighten out his life for his children’s sake. Every child deserves a daddy.
Good luck. You may want to consider attending Al-Anon meetings yourself to help you with any issues you have regarding co-dependency, enabling or low self-esteem as these are usually the issues which cause women to choose/stay with users. Get help for yourself to help your child.