I am 22 years old, and have been hospitalized 22 times for bipolar related problems. I really don’t have family. I live with my grandmother who raised me, and I don’t know my fathers side of the family at all, because apparantly I was a waste of his time. I have siblings on his side, but ofcourse have never been able to meet them. I have no relatives even remotely near my age on my mothers side. She is the next youngest. Well lately, I have been going through a fairly bad bout of anorexia. My bipolar seems to have subsided. I am no longer suicidal at all. I get a little depressed when I binge eat, but then I work it off and I feel better. I also used to be a huge self harmer, but have stopped that, and I used to binge smoke, and I quit that habit (which may be what triggered the anorexia) But basically what I am getting at is that I feel as though I have cut my friends from my life. I am not sure why. I think it is a mixture of them breaking my routine, and the way they look at me. (I am 5’6, and 100 lbs or so) But also because of all of the bipolar stuff, and I am tired of having to drag them into all of that. I mean it’s not like I make a regular habit of it or anything, it’s just that I feel like a burden. And the other part of me thinks that they are drifting away from me, and that I don’t need them anyways, and balh blah, blah. Yet I am also afraid that they are going to leave me. But it is not their job to be there. It was supposed to be my familys. I mean don’t get me wrong, I would always be there for them in this situation, but I don’t think they need me as much since they have families and all. Please don’t just say “get help” I will when I am ready. Ironically enough, this feels like a step up for me, because for once at least I feel like I have self esteem sometimes (when I don’t break routine) And I am not suicidal anymore, which is a nice change. I know that this is bad, but I do eat when I feel as though I have to. I am planning on finally giving in to my therapists advice and nagging and going to go for disability so I can get health insurance. But right now, I feel a little better like this then I did with all of the other problems. I really just need advice on the friends thing..
And by normal, I mean normal for these disorders, not for the average person.
I am not experiencing bipolar symptoms currently. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1. Every medication I tried made things worse, so they stopped medicating me. I got ECT a few months back.