I can’t stand this for much longer….?
Posted by adminSep 6
I am 15, she is 50. From age 5-12, I was pretty much on my own. My mother would be passed out for weeks at a time because of drinking, and my dad would be gone at work projects for 6 months at a time. I took care of myself, and my little sister. Now, my mom is in AA, and divorced my father(whom my little sister lives with). I am extremely proud of her, and she ha been sober now for 3 years, smoke free for 1. But-we fight ALL the time. It’s mostly about control. I was raised to be very independent, and now she is trying to control everything I do. She reads all my phone texts (a phone which she is not paying for), and shoves herself into my personal affairs. If I ask who she is on the phone with, she flips out. I love her very much-and I know she is struggling, but she can’t come into my life that abruptly-after 15 years of me being on my own. She stays out till the late hours of the morning, no questions asked, but I can’t? Am I in the wrong here?
10 comments
Comment by deathly salvation on 09/06/2010 at 9:56 am
i think maybe.. you should take this to a family/guidence councellor… either that or talk to your mom and tell her exactly whats on your mind.. im thinking mayhbe you need to call in proffessional help because you being a teen and her being a struggling parent really ahould be taken care of proffesionally.. maybe send her off on a vacation?
Comment by hiyalldr92 on 09/06/2010 at 10:16 am
you both are. she is trying to get closer to you, and understand you, and she is taking the wrong approach.
let her know you feel invaded, but dont push her away.
Comment by Amelia on 09/06/2010 at 10:40 am
I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. You’re absolutely right–she shouldn’t expect that she can just jump in and suddenly be mom after putting you in a situation where you had to raise yourself. Have you taken the time to sit down and tell her how you feel when you’re not in the middle of a fight? Just sit and have a good talk. Lay it all out. But do see it from her point of view as well. My guess is that she is carrying some guilt. Her need to control probably stems from a need to make up for lost time. She wants to be that responsible mom she should have always been. If you can’t come to terms that you can both agree on is there any way you can get counseling together?
Comment by yaknow2 on 09/06/2010 at 10:49 am
sad for you. but it sounds like she’s trying to mother you now while youre still a teen. let her mother over you…give up a bit of your prideful independence and enjoy being a kid a few years more. good luck dear
Comment by notoldyet on 09/06/2010 at 10:53 am
Your in a difficult situation because you were independant for so long and yet your mom wants to be a parent right now because she feels good and that’s what she should be doing. You need to sit and talk with her and let her know what your feeling and telling her how hard it is for you but your happy that she’s recovered. Yes, your only 15 so you do need a curfew for your own safety.
Comment by changemyraintosun on 09/06/2010 at 11:33 am
First of all, take a deep breath and relax. What you and your mom are going through is completely normal for someone in your situation. The biggest problem here is control and boundary issues. You are used to having the control, and now it’s time to relinquish that. It’s not comfortable to do so. Also, setting boundaries is a difficult process that you and your mom will both need help with. I suggest you go to an Al-anon meeting if there is one in your area, where people will have the same experiences you have and know what you are going through. Above all, keep the communication lines open between you and your mom, that’s the key. Even though it’s hard and sometimes the truth hurts, it’s the best thing. Just say it in a loving way.
Comment by For love? on 09/06/2010 at 11:42 am
sounds like she’s trying to be that mom you didn’t have growing up but now ur pretty mature & know how it is to stand on ur own 2 feet without anybody else’s permission…i think it’s just that now that she’s been sober & thinks with her 5 senses, she’s doing what a mom does- wants to be in on everything about u. i would just talk to her & let her know it’s kinda hard for u to let her have so much authority over u all of a sudden. tell her u love her & u are thankful that now she’s able to be there for u & find a way to let her into ur life little by little because u can tell its what she wants…she doesn’t want to fail as a mother because she’s made mistakes & now she’s going to try to do her job asap…let her know it’s ok & work with u…things will be ok between u two once she understands.
Comment by doglover on 09/06/2010 at 12:16 pm
First, at 15 years old, you are too young to stay out until all hours. For so much of your young life, she was drunk and not a complete mother. Now she’s sober and feels like she’s in control. You should let her know that you had to grow up too fast and now that she’s sober she all of a sudden wants to be a good mom. That’s not a bad thing, however, she needs to let you have your privacy and let her know that you had to be an adult when you were a kid. Maybe she’s prying into your business because of the fact that she’s afraid you might have something to hide (because of her past) and you need to let her know that you can be trusted and you’re not hiding anything. Maybe she thinks “control” is mothering but going about it the wrong way. She could honestly be trying but overdoing it. Unless she becomes abusive or you just can’t take it anymore, would you be able to move in with your dad also? One thing, if she’s sober, why is she out all night? That’s not sending a positive signal to you or anyone else. I certainly wonder why. You’re too young to have to go through something like this. I wish you well.
Comment by courtney5792 on 09/06/2010 at 12:36 pm
Its really hard time for u both but she is tryin to coem into ur life and be a mother and take care of u the way she should have i understand ur independent i am too but she is ur mother jsut let her do what she wants thas how mothers r get use to it there nosey! lol! but tell her u need ur space too also talk to ur school counselor get there advice and try to open up a lil i kno its hard to trust and lend onto to others when ur so use to taking care of urself I do that tooo alll the time i trust noone and ask noone for \help but im tryin a new approach and really seems to be working well im getting more respect and more trust try it
Comment by The bear on 09/06/2010 at 12:46 pm
I strongly reccomend a group that supports families of alcoholics. I know there has to be something like that for families of people who join aa. They would have some stratagies to help work this out. Others have to be going through what you are, and it would be nice for you to have support and talk to other children of parents in aa who are going through what you are.
You are not in the wrong and she is not being a responsible parent to you staying out till the late hours of the morning. If you could it might be helpful to have someone talk to her aa sponser. Staying out and leaving children alone does not sound like she is in control or doing what she is supposed to.