How well written is my poem?
Posted by adminFeb 28
I now I’m not the best writer but yesterday I wrote one.It took me 10 mins to write and its about my dad.The title is dad and this poem summarizes how i feel about him.
Here it goes….
DAD
_____
Dad you are a loser and a failure as a parent
I’m going to be everything you weren’t
I’m going to be the complete opposite of you
Let that sting in your mind the feelings which are mine
Without you I’m perfectly fine
In your cloud of alcoholism I will leave
This you better believe!
That is my way of relief
Right now I’m mad I got to live with you dad
The good father I thought you was I actually never had
You created the war of struggle in my life
It all started when you cheated on your wife
This guy I never want to be
My dad;the loser,indeed!
To make a long story short it all started when I was 15.My dad cheated on my mom and my grades in school slipped.He was careless and now he is just a loser and I got to live with him.Thats another long story.Anyways,now he is a alcoholic and he affects my life in every aspect in a bad way.Heck right now I gotta live with no power!I only get power 3-4 hours a day from generator.This is one of the effects from the cause that he is a alcoholic.There is much more to it that contributes to my struggle.
One comment
Comment by _Claire_ on 02/28/2011 at 4:02 pm
Its definatly very powerful and the fact that there is a story behind it makes your words more meaningful.
Some tips:
I’m going to be everything you weren’t
I’m going to be the complete opposite of you
(I would rephrase the second “I’m going” to something like “I’ll be”)
Let that sting in your mind the feelings which are mine
(maybe change mind to something else not sure if mind and mine sound right in the one sentence.)
Right now I’m mad I got to live with you dad
The good father I thought you was I actually never had
(I think there is too much words involved maybe try “I’m mas I’ve got to live with you dad, the good father i thought you WERE i never actually had”)
The rest works really well.
Fiddle around with those bit and I think you’ll have an incredibly powerful poem.
Good work and Good Luck.
Let that sting in your mind the feelings which are mine
Without you I’m perfectly fine
(“feelings which are mine, without you I’m perfectly fine is brilliant)