How should I handle my relationship with an alcoholic that I’m in love with?
Posted by adminJun 30
I love him, but he’s been through a lot recently, his father’s suicide as well as several deaths of close friends. He is going through legal issues having to do with several DUIs and inherited alcoholism, and is using it to self medicate. I have encouraged him to quit but he just binges when I’m not around. We love each other and want to get married and have children, but I can’t bring myself to make a commitment to someone who can’t try to quit drinking for me or for himself. Slowing down isn’t an option, as much as I’d love to have a beer with him once in a while, I’ve told him I would happily give it up for him if he would give it up for me. He’s trying, but not hard enough for what I want. When he’s drunk he’s a different person, and I can’t handle babysitting him all the time. I don’t want to break up unless I know there’s no hope, and he’s been better recently, but if it gets worse, should I leave him, take a break to see how dependent he really is, or what?
7 comments
Comment by SaY whaTT?? on 06/30/2011 at 1:53 pm
You cant enter into a respectful relationship with this person until he is sober for at least a year. You have needs he simply cannot provide for you under this illness. That is unfair to you both. If you are serious, be his friend until he is ready.
I am married to an alcoholic.
Comment by Art on 06/30/2011 at 2:26 pm
Ummm don’t you already sort of know the answer to this question?
Comment by Ashley on 06/30/2011 at 2:34 pm
You need to dump him!
Everyone has had bad things happen in their lives, but not everyone is an alcoholic. It’s just an excuse and it wont stop on its own. Leave him, let him go to IN-PATIENT therapy, then after at least 6 months sobriety see if you still feel the same about him.
Comment by Fetch This! on 06/30/2011 at 2:43 pm
Explain to him, you love him and you can’t watch him kill himself.
Comment by Mary Meyer on 06/30/2011 at 3:36 pm
I couldn’t handle it. Being the adult child of an alcoholic, I can tell you some of my earliest memories of having to cross a busy street at 5 yrs old to get my Dad out of the bar, as he wouldn’t come home for anybody else, and then watching him try to eat supper drunk.He was a wonderful Father in many ways, but from 5PM Friday to Sunday morning , he was another person.Would this be acceptable for a child of yours ?
Comment by apt2C on 06/30/2011 at 4:06 pm
Ask yourself if you really want to spend the next 30 years coping with all the problems of living with an alcoholic, when you could possibly find a man who adores you and is not an alcoholic. This illness of his will not only prevent you from having a better life, but will negatively effect children you bear. You need to read about these problems. Alcoholism becomes progressively worse. The problems become worse as well. While you have the choice, you should look for a better life for yourself. If you can’t stand the “different person” he becomes when he is drunk now, think how much worse that will be when you are financially responsible for his support, the debt he will incur because of drinking, and any medical bills for his care. You are where I was 52 years ago; you have no idea how bad things can get. Avoid the heartache and unhappiness ahead. Give yourself a chance to meet someone with goals and ambitions that align with yours, someone who will be a good provider and role model for your children, and a man with whom you can build a trusting, healthful relationship. In order to survive with an alcoholic you have to become hardened to emotion and ultimately become the sole breadwinner in the family. You will be embarrassed in public with him. You will cry yourself to sleep many nights, and come to not be able to believe anything he tells you. Though he may appear to get better at times, the disease comes back with a vengeance. Very ugly, frightening, He will die young and leave you relieved to have him not around and feeling guilty for feeling that way. I hope you will not look back on this advice and wish you had taken it, because that will mean that you didn’t take it. Leave him while you are young, attractive, and marketable.
Comment by reikigirl8 on 06/30/2011 at 4:07 pm
OK……here goes
HE is an alcoholic(inherited or not)
If he does not stop drinking,things will only get worse.
If you really love him….you tell him to stop drinking or its over.PERIOD!!!!!!!!!
He can go to a Rehab,or try Alcoholics Annonymous!!!
If you continue to put up with this behavoir,then you are in for the worst life possible.
If you marry him the way he is right now,your marriage will be doomed from the start.
If he sobers up asap,then you might just have a chance at a GREAT life together.
An alcoholic can’t TRY to stop,they HAVE to stop.NO other option.
I really hope you love yourself and your future children enough to have a happy and healthy life.
An active alcoholic cannot give that to you.