How can i fix my marriage?
Posted by adminMay 31
Hello all, im zak, i am currently a recovering alcoholic , ive spent my last three years one of which i wuz married living in drug abuse alcoholism and adultry, ive only been sober for 13 days n i c thing alot more clearly than i ever have….but with seeing clearly i have now realized i feel every emotion more clearly and the biggest is the pain the wretched horrible pain that i have broken such a sacred trust with my wife i have broken my vows set forth under the eyes of my Lord. i want to work it out with my spouse i have a 19 month old son whom i have have neglected to spend time with the furst year of his life due to my decision that drug and partying was more important…i love them so much n before i let myself get so numb to my feelings n now i feel n i feel horrible. i know that i cant make her forgive me i know My God cannot force her to do that, but im trying to show her i care n that i truly love her and that i want to make this work soo bad, so my question is …how can i prove to her i love her with out suffocating her how can i show her how much she means to me while giving her the necasary space she wants? so far ive been doin as many things as i can im getting help counceling and im taking it upon myself to help her with anything shes doin ive stepped up as a father weve only been split up for 3 weeks i know it still so early i know it could take years n years but i wont die happy nless i atleast try to prove n get her back til the day i die so plz if anyone can help me give me some ideas on how a husband shuld be im only 21 n shes only 20 im soo young i need guidance and ive turned closer to the Lord but id like advice im not asking im begging
8 comments
Comment by Nate G on 05/31/2011 at 7:40 am
Repent, ask forgivness. Ask god to lead you in the right direction. I dont mean ask, ik what your going through… i mean get on your knees and beg god to forgive you. If you truley wish to be forgiven then he will forgive you. And pray! Pray that the holy father will lead you to salvation. As for your marital problems. Dont be with her 24/7 but also dont be away from her for long either. My addvice, seek marital therapy. I truley wish you the best of luck.
Comment by Susan on 05/31/2011 at 7:46 am
Quit trying so hard to control your wife’s reaction. She has been hurt by you, and it takes a while before someone who has “been burnt by a hot stove” will get near the flame again! The best thing you can do is continue with your recovery one day at a time, and in time–when she realizes you are serious about recovering–and not just trying to behave yourself until you fall into your addiction again, she will SLOWLY build trust in you again (maybe). There have been some alcoholics who have lost their wives PERMANENTLY even if they have recovered, but that is usually because they waited too late and the wife got tired of waiting on them to be willing to get sober. Hopefully, you haven’t waited too long and you will eventually have your marriage restored. Just continue to “clean YOUR side of the street,” offer to do things for your wife (but don’t smother her with help), and COMMUNICATE (taking her feelings into consideration). If she wants space, give her space, if she needs your help, help her. But don’t force YOUR WILL on her, or that will just push her farther away. An addict who truly seeks to know God’s will for their life and does not pick up that first drink can be a REAL ATTRACTION to a hurt spouse, so let your behavior SPEAK FOR ITSELF. Let go of any expectations as to how long it might take her to trust you. Leave the outcome to God. I commend you for choosing recovery!
Comment by hsy454 on 05/31/2011 at 8:09 am
First of all, you’ve already taken the first step. You’ve been sober for 13 days. Congratulations!!!! That is the one thing you need to do for you and you alone. Without sobriety you will be no good for anyone. Take care of yourself first then you work on your relationship. Your right though, she may never take you back but you have a child together who didn’t choose you for a father and it is your responsibility to help take care of him. Stay sober, keep going to counseling and get her to go with you. You can’t change your past. It’s happened and there isn’t anything you can do about it except learn from it and grow. Good luck to you and your family.
Comment by cool breeze on 05/31/2011 at 9:06 am
Your not fit to be a husband or father right now..it takes more then 13 day’s..get yourself right as a man first..do what you have to do to straighten yourself out..focus on that and let her go..someday if your right and you haven’t hurt her too much maybe she will forgive you..don’t expect that in 13 days..how many days did she suffer ?
give her a break and work on yourself.
you are not entitled to forgiveness yet.being sorry is not enough.serous changes need to happen inside yourself…go earn the respect and forgiveness and love..she gave it to you free before and you betrayed it..
Comment by veronica29 on 05/31/2011 at 9:11 am
its going to be hard but because you are so young you have nothing but opportunity and time. i went through the same thing with my husband and it was very hard to repair the damage especialy since ours was a 5 year battle. its still hard today sometimes. first thing i would suggest is that you BOTH seek counseling and continue to get stronger in your faith. if she will not go, you go. she might bring up things from the past but remember all you can do is listen to what she is saying and how she feels. no one is perfect and you are right, you cant force her forgiveness but if you love her you will be patient and if she loves you she will forgive you. time is key. it will take lots of prayer lots of patience lots of love and time. good luck and keep on trying you are on the right path!
Comment by ♫ Mad Luv ♫ on 05/31/2011 at 10:09 am
The only way to make up for how you feel is not to dwell on it so hard that your missing the same stuff for beating yourself up.
There is pleanty of time you can beat yourself up and if you consume your time with that then what is not getting your attention.
You need to ask your wife what is it going to take for you to do for her to rebuild that trust and do what she ask. Changes are she isn’t going to know. at that point you need to be a man and say do you know and not want to tell me or does it not seem realistic? if she says it doesn’t seem realistic, then tell her that you understand trust is hard to rebuild trust. Ask her to think about it for some time and if she needs anything to not to heisatate to ask. at this point you are going to have to stay away from her as much as possible but also let her know that you want to see the kid.
if you devote your time to your child instead of her i think she will also come around and that’s one way of getting closer to her with out being with her. when your with her and the kid focus on the kid ask her what you missed about the kid, NEVER be take me back, I’m soo sorry from the past (if you haven’t you can do this one time but do not over appologize it makes you look more guilty) if you make 1 true appology then no more are needed. Also let her in on your plans don’t ask her what her plans are you trust her remember, she don’t trust you, so maybe if you talk to her all the time just state, i have therapy today from 3-5, and I have to go to mom’s from noon to 2, I would love to see our child as well do you think I could come buy after dinner tonight? This way she can ask you later on when you stop by, so what did you do today,, then you will tell her the same thing that you already told her. that will help build trust.
Feel honored that she is speaking to you. not many females or males for that fact will even talk with an ex who has cheated.
congrats on our 13 days I know you have to be hurting let that pain move you through another 13 days and that pain will help you for the next 13 weeks, and that pain will help you fro the next 13 years by then you should have a large grasp of what is what!
Much luck to you~!
Comment by Linda on 05/31/2011 at 10:46 am
All you can really do is stay clean, no matter what! If religion helps you then use it, but the power comes from within yourself and your own desire to prove to your wife and yourself that you can remain clean. There is no easy fix. You just need to prove to her that you will remain changed and clean. Drugs change people, makes you forget about the ones you love and sometimes it is to late to get it back. So for right now you need to work on yourself. It’s only been 13 days, she needs time. You hurt her and most importantly you made it so she can not trust you. You need to clean up for yourself and then you may be able to win her heart back. My husband has been clean a year and I still do not trust him and wait for the shoe to drop on my head. But each day gets easier and I let my guard down a little more. Don’t rush it, but don’t back off to much either. Stay clean, get healthy and show her you can love her and your child.
Best of luck
Comment by Suzie Q on 05/31/2011 at 10:55 am
first thing congratulations on getting help and being clean for the last 13 days and wanting to fix your marriage and be a good dad you are going to have your good days and then bad days you just have to remember why your doing this first for yourself and then for your family your going to need a support system in place to help you through your bad days and to remind you that your family is worth the effort and that your life is also you both have to get a therapist that specializes on drug abuse for the whole family and you will need one just for yourself there are groups that can help you both also. your therapist can help find them close to you also talk to your pastor let him help you understand the teachings of our lord you both are so young but look at it like this you have your whole life ahead of you to make up for what you did to yourself and your marriage just know there is people who loves you and wants you to succeed kicking the habit and becoming a great husband and father,a son ,a brother you can do anything you want to just have faith and trust in your self. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!!!