Hitting my alcoholic father in my mother’s defense?
Posted by adminSep 8
I am a 23 year old guy. In my family I have a grandfather, a dad, mom and me. My dad is an alcoholic and I saw him drink as long as I can remember. It’s been longer than 23 years that he gets drunk and annoys my family. Sometimes he breaks the glasses in the house, sometimes he breaks the doors/locks and sometimes he destroys the lights. One time I remember him attacking my mother and beating her behind her head that it damaged her eardrums and she had hearing problems for months. That was when I was a kid.
But now I am a grown up and I try to stop him from doing all this. However, he never stops. He drinks a lot, shouts at my mom and says curse words at her (a lot of them). It is unbearable for me and sometimes after trying to stop him, I attack him and beat him up. Then only he stops. I know it is really wrong to hit a parent but I just cannot stand it. I really love my mom and would do anything to keep her from being sad/depressed. The first time I hit him, I cried the whole night. It’s been around 4 times I hit him counting this one right now.
Is hitting my so called father the right thing to do? Is there any way to solve this and get out of these problems which has been around since I was born?
13 comments
Comment by Asim on 09/08/2010 at 3:54 pm
looks like ur doin the rite thing
Comment by halfahunkathat on 09/08/2010 at 4:27 pm
Yeah, it’s WAY past time for YOU to MOVE OUT! You can’t just blame your Dad for this, it’s just as much your Mom’s fault for putting up with it all these years! If she would have had the nerve to LEAVE him or DO SOMETHING your life would have been better, but she CHOSE not to leave! YOU on the otherhand have NO REASON to stay. You’re an adult in every sense of the word and it’s past time for you to leave! You have no business hitting your Father, you just need to MOVE! Start your own life now and let them live theirs!
Comment by Jessie D on 09/08/2010 at 4:34 pm
~ i don’t want to tell you that hitting is the right thing to do but it was the on;y option at the time. You need to get your mom and you out of the situation. Leave and move. If she doesn’t want to then you should still leave this isn’t a health living environment for you at all. I know you love your mother but you can’t stay there if she doesn’t want to leave. You could hit him one time and kill him then where will you be? ~
Comment by jessie on 09/08/2010 at 5:29 pm
Having had an alcoholic father when I was growing up I know how embarrassing it can be but my father drunk as he was never hit my mom and he no longer drinks. I used to beg my mom to divorce him because he was verbally abusive. She never did. It is up to your mom to leave him not you. You can call the cops on him instead of fighting because they will pick him up and your mom will go get him I am sure but then again maybe not. The thing is if you put him in jail maybe he will realize that he cannot keep doing this.
Comment by Precious Gem on 09/08/2010 at 5:30 pm
Is there any way you can leave and take your mother with you? Then you can get your mother some therapy for
Battered Wife Syndrome. She has been suffering for so
long she doesn’t know any other way to live. The next time
you dad becomes violent call the cops and push to have
him arrested. You could use some therapy yourself. Keep
looking out for your mom. She needs someone to do that.
Comment by hugedadload on 09/08/2010 at 6:02 pm
whip his wife beatin alcoholic ass until he cant hear anymore
Comment by big momma on 09/08/2010 at 6:44 pm
contact alcoholics anonymous they have a section for families of alcohol dependent people and can offer you all support and practical help, hitting your father is not right although understandable but each time it happens it will damage you so get help as soon as possible, would your mother consider leaving him, or chucking him out? that may be they only thing that will make him realize that his behavior is unacceptable, by putting up with him she is giving him permission to continue.
Comment by Devildom Spearmanship Style on 09/08/2010 at 7:17 pm
You should talk to the police about it. They will understand why you hit him. They won’t do anything to you, I guess you can say its an act of “the right thing to do”.
But wait, did you say you attack him first? you can go to jail for that.
Its ok if he attacks your mother or you then you attack him. But don’t attack him no more, you can get allot of trouble for that. If hes cussing at you, just cuss back.
Just remember, don’t attack him no more unless he attacks you or your mother.
Comment by Emily on 09/08/2010 at 7:50 pm
If your defending your mom, it’s fine. The dude has to realize he’s a monster and your trying to protect the damsel in distress. If he continues with this behavior, kick his butt out on the curb.
Comment by chi chi on 09/08/2010 at 7:56 pm
BE THERE FOR YOUR MUM…DEFEND HER
YOUR DAD IS ALCOHOLIC. FULL STOP.. BUT YOUR MUM IS NOT SO YOU GOTTA PROTECT HER..
I GUESS BOTH OF YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR DAD TILL HE OVERCOMES HIS DRINKING PROB.
Comment by Brittany W on 09/08/2010 at 8:18 pm
It’s never ok to use violence to solve a problem. You or your dad. And your dad is completely wrong to abuse your mom like this. Your dad needs help! And beating him up won’t get him the help he needs. Your mom with your help needs to stand up to him and throw him out of the house until he gets help for his alcoholism. You’re an adult now, so be an adult and take the legal steps to force him to get the help he needs. This has gone on long enough!! If you’re lucky your dad will sober up and be the man/father he never was to you! Check out Alcoholics Anonymous. Your dad can’t get help until he wants it. Until then, keep your mom safe by keeping your dad away! Don’t use violence. Just kick him out!
Comment by :x on 09/08/2010 at 8:33 pm
honey in this situation im going to say sometimes you have to do what you have to do. your protecting your mother from the violent jerk that she is married to. everyone saying its her fault for staying with him.. sometimes people see the best in others and truely believe they will change so back off. she is most likely suffering from bws and is used to this treatment..
maybe you need to talk to your mom and tell her she needs to get your father out, or get him help. he could kill her. i know that isnt what anyone wants to hear but its the truth. i know you dont want to leave your house because you probably dont want to leave your mother there with no defense. so i say talk to her and figure out what she can do about your father…he needs help.
Comment by Margaret K on 09/08/2010 at 9:02 pm
No. It is not the right thing to do. You should look for another solution, because taking your anger out in violence will re-inforce that habit in yourself. In other words, in defending your mother, you are becoming your father. I think you already know there is something wrong about it, because you cried when you did it, and now you are asking if it was the right thing to do. You have doubts.
You should seek counselling. You have had a very traumatic childhood, and you need to examine how that has affected you, and look for habits of thought and behavior that may have arisen from the abuse in your household, that you need to revew from an objective and mature perspective, to determine if you need to make some adjustments.
Another advantage to seeking counselling is to set an example for your mother. It would be a step in the right direction, if you could persuade your mother to join you in some family counselling. Don’t wait, though. Do it yourself, for yourself.
It is obviously very stressful and upsetting for you to witness your father’s abuse of your mother. I don’t understand why you are there, though. You are 23. For your own physical and emotional health, you need to get out of that toxic environment and establish a home for yourself that is welcoming and full of peace and tranquility. An advantage to establishing a home of your own is to create a refuge where you mother can go if she ever chooses to escape her abusive situation, even for a little while.
Remaining in that abusive situation is your mother’s choice. Sometimes the choices that other people make are frustrating and very sad. But, you cannot control other people. If your mother insists on remaining in that situation, you need to establish some personal boundaries so that your father’s behavior and your mother’s choice to remain in that situation is not robbing you of the physical and emotional energy to go on with your own life. In other words, you need personal boundaries. You need to set limits. You need a little distance from the situation. You need balance in your life.
When your father starts verbally abusing your mother, go to your mother, and invite her to leave the house with you, at least until he calms down. If she refuses, then consider his behavior. If he is behaving violently, such as breaking things or throwing things, to the extent that you fear for your mother’s physical safety, then it is an emergency. Call the police and explain that your father is in a rage, and you are concerned for your mother’s safety. That way, the police can restrain him if that becomes necessary. They have the training and legal authority to do that, and they will take an objective view of the situation, applying only enough force to restrain the violence, rather than beating him out of anger or bitterness. If you feel that your mother is not in immediate danger, then tell your mother that you wish that she would come away with you until he calms down, and then explain that it is simply too painful for you to watch what’s going on, and that you need to leave.
Look for resources in your area for abused women, and make sure that you mother has all the information that she needs to seek help. Offer to be with her every step of the way if she decides to reach out for help. Consider joining Al-Anon, and inviting your mother to join you there. The secret of living with an alcoholic is to stop letting them be the center of your life. Ignore them as much as possible. Let them do what they are going to do, but YOU need to behave with respect and integrity towards others, pursue your dreams, accept what you cannot change, and change the things that you can. When someone else’s behavior is causing you to be unhappy, the answer is not to change their behavior. It is to find happiness somewhere else.
Please, stop for a minute and focus on YOUR needs, and make sure they are being met. Try to limit your exposure to this stressful situation. Try to keep your focus on the positive aspects of your life, school, work, hobbies, etc. Create a home for yourself that is full of warmth and love, peace and comfort. No one should have to live in a war zone.
Focusing on your own emotional and physical health may sound a little selfish, but it is not. Your mother is in a bad situation. She has been in crisis before, and may be in crisis again. If a crisis occurs, you need to be emotionally, physically, and financially strong, so that you can save her. If you let this situation drain you of your happiness, your independence, your confidence, and in many other ways, then you will not be able to offer your best to someone in need. If you are depressed and stressed, you cannot share your optimism with someone else. If your finances are drained by coping with someone else’s endless financial “emergencies”, you won’t have the money to help someone in a real emergency. If you live in a war zone, you won’t have safe shelter to offer someone who needs refuge. If your life is in confusion and chaos, you cannot offer order and structure to someone else whose life is in chaos. Think of it as pulling someone from quicksand. You must marshall your own strength, have a strong anchor and find firm ground to stand on, before you can pull someone else out.
I wish you the best of luck. You can get through this.