Future Husband Drinks too much.?
Posted by adminMar 7
Does anyone know how to make a man stop drinking so much. I’ve tried it all…compromising, joining him for a few drinks and even threatening to leave him but nothing seems to work. His drinking has always bothered me because my dad’s an alcholic and both my grandpa and my uncle have died from cirosis of the liver becuse they drank too much. I love him soooo much and we plan to marry next year, but I don’t want him to end up an alcholic or even worse dead!!!! Please help me.
46 comments
Comment by nora22000 on 03/07/2010 at 11:55 am
He already IS an alcoholic–alcoholics are people who drink too much!!!
I think you will have to love this guy from a distance, and as a friend. Find someone who is not self-destructive so that you can have a decent life.
Comment by filotofo on 03/07/2010 at 12:37 pm
i drink a lot, & i have had woman bother me all the time to stop, but they never do the right thing. It’s a secret, & I’m not sure I could tell you, – MAN LAW.
Comment by mml619 on 03/07/2010 at 12:53 pm
come on…are you kidding. you cant make a man stop drinking. never, no how, no way. been there, done that. i have seen so many women throw away there lives thinking they can change a man. get out now. or you will be sorry in the end.
Comment by JustMe on 03/07/2010 at 1:45 pm
Nobody can help him but him. If he doesn’t want to change or stop drinking there is nothing you can do. Realize this before you get married.
Comment by leenabootie on 03/07/2010 at 2:29 pm
Seek pre-marriage counsling and if things don’t change then u really don’t need to marry him.
Some women don’t realize their mated has a drinking problem and find out to late, you already know so mae the right descision.
Comment by Rachel Bitchface on 03/07/2010 at 2:34 pm
You will need to think tough love! Leave him because he won’t stop drinking if you just whine a little every now and than he needs to know that your serious.
Comment by postal_marg on 03/07/2010 at 3:06 pm
Even though this is going to be hard leave him. Explain that you do not want to start your new life with this hanging over your head. Tell him that you love him and if he wants to he can have you in his life but not like this.
Comment by Star on 03/07/2010 at 3:31 pm
DO NOT marry this man. If you really want to, remain engaged but do not marry him until he stops drinking AND remains sober for at least 12 months (1 year!) Seriously. And DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT have children with him. Even if you do cave in and marry him – make sure you tie your tubes!
this may sound harsh but it is the best advice someone in your position will ever receive.
Comment by Zack on 03/07/2010 at 4:06 pm
Leave him..
Case closed..
If he loved you he would..
Comment by edward I on 03/07/2010 at 4:54 pm
Look for an old movie.
“Days Of Wine And Roses’
Prepare to be alone many, many nights after you’re married.
Comment by waiting for baby on 03/07/2010 at 5:04 pm
The man is already an alcoholic
Comment by Tony on 03/07/2010 at 5:51 pm
After marriage his drinking will only get worse. Do not marry him!! And only marry him if you are willing to live a miserable life and be unhappy forever. He will never meet your expectations or your needs…. the bottle is more important than you. You already know this.
People do not take the time to really get to know someone before marriage. You can’t change someone. That’s why you need to take the time to find someone truly compatible before marriage.
Don’t make the same mistake thousands have made already. Good luck!
Comment by Fancypants on 03/07/2010 at 6:11 pm
OMG, can you say RUN to your nearest AA meeting? Seriously, you already threatened to leave and you didn’t, so what’s to make him think you won’t threaten and not leave again? Girl, you need to put a stop to these marriage plans ASAP and deal with this PRIOR to ever putting a ring on your finger.
Comment by floridaman39us on 03/07/2010 at 6:22 pm
Hold on sister. Don’t marry this guy. His drinking is outa control. After you marry him, you can’t change him. I would marry someone else if I were you.
Comment by silentnonrev on 03/07/2010 at 6:26 pm
if you have experience with alcoholics, you know that the only person who can help one is the alcoholic him/herself. Threatening to leave is useless, as you’ve found out–actually do it, and see if he changes his behavior, or if he loves the booze more than he loves you–either way is better for you than what you have now!
If you decide to stay with him, go to AlAnon and get some ideas as to how to live with this, but if you do, yours will be a rough road.
Nothing is going to get better, until he decides to make it so. You can’t solve his problem. Good luck!
Comment by Ben M on 03/07/2010 at 7:17 pm
I hope you listen carefully. If in fact he is your future husband put that on hold as of this minute. With the back ground you have with this disease you of all people should know you will get know where with this. I to suffered from the same affliction and there is no person that can make a difference except the one with the problem. Its OK to love and care about this person but you must remove your self from direct contact or you to will fall into the pit of disfunction. Give the tough love line. You will be there for themn when and if they quit drinking and support that effort. But if they choose not to quit you can not be a part of that action.
Comment by Jayme C on 03/07/2010 at 8:00 pm
I think you are headed for a dead end road. You say you love him sooo much but the real question is how much do you love yourself? Are you willing to spend the next years waiting for him to get over that or do you want something better for your life.? Dump him now before you have to answer to your kids questions. So many other good and decent men out there.
Comment by casurfwatcher on 03/07/2010 at 8:09 pm
do yourself a favor and leave this guy now … he will not change until he himself wants that change, if he does it for you, he will go back to drinking because he did not do it for himself … he LIKES it!
Comment by BlueChimera on 03/07/2010 at 8:36 pm
Tell him he will die a slow uncomfortable death.
Relate your experience with your family members to him.
If he doesn’t care, leave him and try to get him help any way you can.
I’m sure you know what it’s like to watch someone slowly kill themselves with booze. I do. You don’t want to put yourself through that kind of pain.
Comment by anti pc on 03/07/2010 at 8:52 pm
Let me say from personal experience you will never be able to change his drinking habits. Only he can do that, and he will only do that if the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of changing. You have to realize you only have control of your actions and choices, so if you decide to marry him go into it with open eyes that his behavior will have a direct affect on your life, and unfortunately, a mate with a drinking problem will not affect your life for the better. Good luck.
Comment by emily on 03/07/2010 at 9:23 pm
sounds like he is a alcoholic already,people don’t drink because they like the taste of beer,alcoholics drink to make them self’s to forget maybe you should ask him why he likes to drink,he might not tell you the truth i am sure probably doesn’t think he has a drinking problem i would wait to marry him, until he stop drinking.
Comment by max333 on 03/07/2010 at 9:34 pm
Don’t marry this guy. Your life will be hell.
Comment by nwnativeprincess on 03/07/2010 at 9:43 pm
IT IS THE CYCLE OF YOUR LIFE. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE IT IF YOU RECOGNIZE IT.
RECOGNIZE THAT THE ALCHOLISM IS PART OF THIS CYCLE.
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO CHANGE. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF.
Comment by notyochic on 03/07/2010 at 10:03 pm
sound more like a future loser you best think twice before going down any aisles with him!
Comment by ~COCO~ on 03/07/2010 at 10:35 pm
You need to have a very very serious talk with him if he loves you allot he is going to change and he will do it for himself to. Look don’t marry him if he drinks to much that is not good you guys will have very serious problems. I hope everything works out for you.
Comment by whisper on 03/07/2010 at 10:54 pm
He needs to help himself first- if an alcoholic does not want to help himself no-one else can, sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they stop drinking- you know by experience that no matter what you have done or threaten to do did not work. that in it’s self should tell you. If this man loves himself and you he will change-but sometimes they love the alcohol more. ask him or take him to a A.A.meeting-if he wont cooperate-drop him or be his nurse mate the rest of your life and that is no way to live, think what will happen if the two of you have children, you do not want to expose you children to such ugliness.
Comment by True on 03/07/2010 at 11:44 pm
He might stop on his own they say through thick and thin if you can’t be there for him now then maybe you should not get married because there is a lot harder stuff you guys will go through then this trust me…
Comment by MsKnowItAll on 03/07/2010 at 11:44 pm
Let it go honey.
Comment by madretres77 on 03/08/2010 at 12:34 am
Maybe he needs to lose the one thing that matters to him ( I’m hoping that’s you) the most to him in order to see that drinking so much is not the way to live his life. You have to understand this, God may be pulling you away from this man, cause he’s not the man for you. If he feels drinking is more important than making you happy…..then you’ve got your answer.
Comment by rejoiceinthelord on 03/08/2010 at 12:53 am
He is an alcoholic! And you cannot help him. He needs to want to help himself. Try going to a meeting for families of Alcoholics and listen and learn. Too often people like you marry guys like this because you think you can fix the problem. You can’t! You probalbly don’t love him… you just love to be needed. There’s a big difference. You may feel sorry for him, and his family… and for your family too. But he is not a good candidate for marriage. An alchoholic makes a horrible father and parent. …not to mention husband. You deserve better. Insist that if he wants to marry you… that you both must get help… declare that you have problems with alcohol… find out what is causing this problem in your lives… and deal with it. If you can’t come to terms with it and change.. don’t get married. Go find another partner who does not touch the stuff. Even then, you will need good pastoral counseling before you marry anyone. Your own history of family alcohol problems warrants it. Love yourself. You are special! You want to have a happy family with responsible behavior.
Comment by jenlovely01 on 03/08/2010 at 1:07 am
Do NOT marry him. you have to leave him. Maybe he’ll hit rock bottom and realize that he needs to stop drinking. You can’t make anyone do anything. He has to come to that realization on his own. You are obviously replaying your childhood. DON’T. You will only cause yourself hurt and pain.
Comment by Lindsay on 03/08/2010 at 1:43 am
You can’t fix him. Only he can fix him— and if he doesn’t think he’s broken, he’s not going to try.
My mother just divorced my father after 22 years of marriage because she could not put up with his drinking any more.
So you can 1. wait around and hope that he has an epiphany, and changes for himself. or 2. walk away, understanding that you’re saving yourself a life full of frustration.
As much as you love him, you have to look out for yourself. Sounds like you know first hand what having an alcoholic in your life can be like. My advice, hold off the wedding until he starts fixing his problem, or (the smarter choice) walk away before it gets any more complicated— marriage, kids, house etc.
If you guys really love each other, loosing you will be more important to him than the booze and maybe he’ll change. And if its not, then you don’t want to be with a guy like that anyways.
Comment by JAN on 03/08/2010 at 2:28 am
You can’t make him stop. He has to do it on his own. Do not marry him unless he stops, either on his own or with help. There are to many alcoholic damaged families now. You know exactly what I am saying. Don’t add to the problem. You could be the solution, by not putting up with it. Love him enough to walk away. If it is love on his part, he can quit. If not you deserve better. Sometimes the best thing to do is the hardest.
Comment by Seti on 03/08/2010 at 3:23 am
You can’t “make” him stop doing something, if he doesn’t want to stop. Period. If you feel that it’s so bad it’s interfering with your relationship, try your best to have him acknowledge the problem and get help. If he won’t do it, not a damn thing you can do, unfortunately. Just go into it with your eyes open, and be realistic about having to deal with it for the rest of your time together if you do marry him. If you don’t think you can deal with it long-term – please, re-consider the relationship. It is clear that he will NOT change to accomodate you.
Comment by Bidogger on 03/08/2010 at 4:07 am
If you have family that are alchoholics you already know what pain this brings so do not even think about marrying this guy whilst he is like this. Alchohol breeds violence and this will be directed against you. The only person capable of helping him is himself and if he won’t do that you won’t be able to however much you love him. I was an alchoholic for many years and threw away many special parts of my life but have helped myself and been dry now for over 5 years, and intend to stay that way. My health has improved as well as my bank balance and I will make sure it stays that way.
Comment by rich2481 on 03/08/2010 at 4:30 am
I would think long and hard about marrying him, I just got out of a marriage where she drank very heavily,, caused alot of problems through the marriage,, now I am free and breathing a sigh of relief everyday
Comment by kimbermalloy on 03/08/2010 at 5:03 am
wheres he drink at? is he rich? cute? maybe i’ll join him-i so need a drink
Comment by mamma bird on 03/08/2010 at 5:22 am
if he has not stopped yet he will not. give him a choice drinking or you.if you don’t like the drinking get out before you say “I do”
Comment by Ramsis A on 03/08/2010 at 5:34 am
You do not tell what is “too much” . for some people, having a second beer is too much! so you got everone going on alcoholics here and we don’t really know if he is. maybe the fact that your dad/uncles are alcoholics, you are being too critical of hime…more detail is required. I like to call a spade a spade.
Comment by Sandy F on 03/08/2010 at 5:59 am
Your problem is : he is already an alcoholic.. and you don’t mean enough to him to stop for you.. And why would you get with a man that was a drinker anyway..? you know what they are like and what happens to them.. don’t marry him or you will have one that will always disapoint you.. and if you are going to threaten to leave do it that is the only way you will find out if he loves you.. he will either quit drinking to get you back or he won’t bother.
there is your 1st clue to if he loves you enough to marry or not..
don’t get trapped in this one you will regret it for the rest of your life.
Hope you make the right decisions.
Comment by spidertiger440 on 03/08/2010 at 6:45 am
If he doesn’t stop drinking now then you really shouldn’t commit your whole life to him because the chances of him stopping after marriage are slim to none.
Comment by feather girl on 03/08/2010 at 7:12 am
Sweetie, I say this with the best intentions possible and I mean no harm what so ever, get out while you can. No one can make an alcoholic stop drinking but the alcoholic themselves. He will not stop for you and it will drain you of all of your energy and love, not to mention money. Also think of your future children. Do you want them exposed to this? Their daddy will always be “gone” even if he is sitting on the couch beside them. You know what I mean, I know you do. And alcoholism runs in families and you are doubling their chances of becoming alcoholics as well. It is a losing battle. Please trust me on this. If you really love him, let him go. I wish you nothing but the best, keep your chin up. It’s a rough, lonely road being in love with an alcoholic.
Comment by Cathy C on 03/08/2010 at 8:02 am
I know you don’t want to hear this, but here goes. Your man loves drinking more than you. I know you think you can help him, but as with any addiction, only they can help themselves. You have stated to him how you feel and he obviously isn’t going to stop. Now, if you are ready for nights alone, picking him up at jail, and fights nonstop throughout the night, then marry him. If not, then call it off. If he truely loves you, he will stop drinking. If he doesn’t stop drinking, then he doesn’t truely love you. Sorry if this sounds so harsh, but hopefully it will prevent you from making a big mistake. Thank you.
Comment by Michelle R on 03/08/2010 at 8:46 am
Be thankful that he is not your current husband, because you have an “out” right now if you need it. Believe me, drinking RUINS relationships. Let him know that if he doesn’t stop, you’ll leave him, because your family member has died of it.
Comment by BigDanInTX on 03/08/2010 at 9:26 am
First off…people don’t change… Knowing that, go forward from there.
Comment by anyoneawake? on 03/08/2010 at 10:00 am
It’s not about him, it’s about you. His drinking, alcohol abuse is his problem, his issue to work through. You need to focus on why you choose to remain a codependent in this relationship. You come from an alcoholic environment, that alone sets you up to find yourself in relationships where you feel you have to help and/or rescue someone from themself. It can’t be done. No matter what you say or do, he will not change his ways until he recognizes the problem and then chooses to do something about it. You say you love him soooo much and I can understand where you are coming from because I was already married to an alcohol abuser, trust me it ain’t a pretty sight. I ended up putting him out 1 yr ago when I got tired of the excuses, the lost jobs, the arrests for drunk driving and got myself some counseling. My mother was an alcoholic. In counseling is where I learned about codependency. Don’t marry him girl. If you do you are setting yourself up for heartache. It’s hard and it hurts to walk away from someone you love, but you have to love yourself more in this instance. You deserve so much more from someone who’s head and vision is clear. Take care.